joke

[Charley Lillard]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children,needed to move because his rental agreementwas terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.When he said, he had 12 children. No one would rent a home to him because theyfelt that the children would destroy the place.He couldn't say he had no children,because he couldn't lie.We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.He took the remaining one with him tosee rental homes with the real estate agent.He loved one of the homes andthe price was right -- the agent asked:"How many children do you have?He answered: "Twelve."The agent asked, "Where are the others?"The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered“They're in the cemetery with their mother."

[earntaz]

Yep -- lawyers don't lie ... good one!!

[Lee Stewart]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought her a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave her a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"

[Charley Lillard]

A Lawyer/Senator and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The Lawyer-Senator is thinking that seniorsare so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.



So, the lawyer-senator asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer-senator persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer-senator quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer-senator asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer-senator.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer-senator, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer-senator uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer-senator is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer-senator $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Lee Stewart]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ....

So she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious.



There are two lessons here:



1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some people might think.

[earntaz]

Haaaaaaaaaaaa -- good one!!

[earntaz]

I was eating breakfast with my 10 year old Granddaughter and asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I ask her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obuma, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the president steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bull$hit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.

[HawkX66]

A man came in from a morning of fishing and parked his boat. He was beat so he took a nap. While he was sleeping his wife decided she'd take the boat out on the lake and do some reading.
She went to a nice little cove, anchored and started reading. Later, a Game Warden pulled up along side and asked her what she was doing. "Reading" she said while thinking, "Isn't that obvious?" The Game Warden said that she was in a restricted fishing area and that he was going to need to bring her in and ticket her. "I wasn't fishing, I was reading" she said. The Game Warden replied, "well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The woman said, "Fine, but when we go in I'm going to have to charge you with sexual assault." The Game Warden says, "But I haven't even touched you!" She looks at him and said, "Well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The Game Warden left her to read in peace...

[Vern B]

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years
suggested they take a cruise: “We could go somewhere for a week, and make
wild love like we did when we were young!” He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle
of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
“I’ve been thinking. There’s no reason we can’t go for a month.” So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, “You know,
since the children are on their own, what’s stopping us from cruising the
world?”

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The
pharmacist finally had to ask.

“You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30
years. I certainly don’t mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why
the hell do you do it?”

[Lee Stewart]

A jumbo jet was filled with passengers who were waiting for the pilot to arrive so they could take off.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing dark sunglasses.

At first, the passengers don’t react – thinking it must be some sort of practical joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering amongst themselves and look desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.

The plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway they become more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than 50 feet of runway left, the shouts intensify and everyone on board begins screaming at once.

At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re not going to know when to take off!”