joke

[mssl72]

Nice TAZ!!!

[earntaz]

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am almost seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.........

She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[Dave Rifkin]

How to Stop old People from bugging you about getting married:

Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same to them at funerals.

[Lee Stewart]

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:



* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Direct Marketing.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."



That's Advertising



_____________________________





* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Telemarketing.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Public Relations.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."



That's Brand Recognition.



______________________________





*You're a woman and you're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.



That's a Sales Rep.



______________________________





* You're a woman and your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.



That's Tech Support.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you are on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"



That's Facebook.



______________________________





*If you are a man and secretly disclose a list of names of those women who are fantastic in bed,



That's "Insider Trading."



______________________________





* You're a woman and you are at a party; this attractive wealthy older man walks up to you and grabs you.



That's Bill Clinton



______________________________





* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.



That's America!

[Lee Stewart]

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.



He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,



'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'



His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse’



‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.



A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

[Vern B]

> Subject: YOU'RE IN THE ARMY

> NOW Fifty-one years ago, Herman
> James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his
> first day in basic training at Fort Polk, Louisiana, the Army issued
> him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
> his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
> the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the
> Army issued him a jock strap. As of this week, the Army has been
> looking for Herman for 51 years!
>

[marxjunk]

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

[Lee Stewart]

[Lee Stewart]

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

[Charley Lillard]