joke

[marxjunk]

saw this on another forum..pretty good

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[427TJ]

One day a Kindergarten teacher tells her pupils, "Children, in this lesson we are going to use the word beautiful two times in one sentence. Lorrie, can you use the word beautiful two times in one sentence?" "Yes, teacher! My mommy's beautiful flowers made the kitchen more beautiful!" "Very good Lorrie! Okay Bobby, can you use the word beautiful two times in one sentence?" "Yes teacher, I can! My mother's beautiful new dress made her look really beautiful." "Very good Bobby." "Okay Joey, can you use the word beautiful two times in one sentence?" "Yes ma'am, I can. Last night my older sister came home and told my dad she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful! Just fu**ing beautiful!'"

[Mr70]

No joke..and made in China.

[earntaz]

[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]

[earntaz]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
&quot;Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
&quot;Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
&quot;If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck :
&quot;We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
&quot;Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :
&quot;Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
&quot;Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
&quot;If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
&quot;Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
&quot;The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop
&quot;No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
&quot;Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
&quot;We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
&quot;Don't stand there and be hungry come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
&quot;Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
&quot;Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop
&quot;Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
&quot;Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises&quot;

[earntaz]

These are the oldies but goodies fun words we used – sometimes still do!

BORING IF YOU ARE UNDER SIXTY BUT, HUMOROUS IF YOU'RE OVER..

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd? Lost words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really!

The other day a not so elderly (65) (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new) phrase! He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old, but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included &quot;Don't touch that dial,&quot; &quot;Carbon copy,&quot; &quot;You sound like a broken record&quot; and &quot;Hung out to dry.”

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehosaphat! Holy moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?

Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; or spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! or, This is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel.

Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper.

Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff!

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.

We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.

See ya later, alligator!

[Mr70]

A friend of mine has 2 box seat tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl.Includes airfares and hotel accommodations,but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding,so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him,it's at St.Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m.Look for Brenda in a white dress.

[Billohio]

Depends if she can cook and has a job and worthless without pictures! [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/dunno.gif[/img]

[Vern B]

WHY WOMEN MAKE BETTER ASSASSINS

The C I A had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the C I A agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. &quot;We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.&quot;


The man said, &quot;You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, &quot;Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, &quot;I tried, but I can't kill my wife.” The agent said, &quot;You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.“


Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.


After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. &quot;The gun was loaded with blanks,&quot; she said. &quot;I had to kill him with the chair.

[earntaz]

HeHe Good one!