joke

[earntaz]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

His doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and it couldn't be found."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops...

[marxjunk]

^so effin true

[Lee Stewart]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[earntaz]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 84-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went dead.

[parkbrau]

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's

birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes

over to the counter.



A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,

"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"



He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."



She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.



He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel

and 10-LB. test line.



It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only

$20.00."



She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it

dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit

card drops on the floor.



Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up

and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then

realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.



The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."



The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod

and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"



He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is

$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

[mssl72]

[Craig_Maiorana]

HAHAHA I need to remember not to fart in Bass pro ... They may try to sell me a moose call

[Lee Stewart]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”

[earntaz]

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy:

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below...

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

[earntaz]

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex, I am cold and chilly; but then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am hot and sweaty.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, "Well, your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”
"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is in January and the second time is in August."