Joke

[Charley Lillard]

Two California rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along
they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is!"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there,
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over
there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it
in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge,
when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat
come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without
hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering
into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here
a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert
miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a
transmission."

[Mr70]

No actual goats were harmed in the telling of this joke.

[marxjunk]

lol

[Dicky]

<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif

Dicky <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/flag.gif

[Born30YrsLate]

That goat was lucky considering he was in the presence of two California rednecks... <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/whistle.gif

[marxjunk]

hmmm...dats a purty goat, ya got dere....

[Keith Seymore]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mr70</div><div class="ubbcode-body">No actual goats were harmed in the telling of this joke. </div></div>

No actual transmissions were harmed in the telling of this joke.

K

[Mr70]

Susan has a heart attack and is taken to hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience,during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered,Susan figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years,she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift,liposuction,breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself.
So she did and she even changed the color of her hair.But tragedy struck some weeks later as Susan is leaving the hospital,she is knocked over and killed by a car.
When Susan arrives in front of God she asks,&quot;HEY!....I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?&quot;
God replies,&quot;HEY!....I didn't recognize you.&quot;

['69Novajoe]

<span style="color: #3333FF"><span style="font-weight: bold">A four year old and six year old were in the backyard playing just before breakfast. The six year old says to the four year old, &quot;I think it's time we learned how to cuss. When we go back in the house for breakfast, I'll use the word hell and you can use the word ass.&quot; The four year old agreed and in the house they went. When their mom saw them she asked the 6 year old what he wanted for breakfast. He said, &quot;ah, hell Mom, I think I'll have Cheerios!!&quot; Whack!! She knocks him right off the chair and spanks his rear-end all the way up the stairs and says, &quot;and don't you come back down until I tell you.&quot; She goes back downstairs and looks at her 4 year old. &quot;And what would you like for breakfast young man??&quot; He, stutters and fusses and finally blurts out, &quot;well.......you can bet your fat ass it's not going to be Cheerios!!&quot; </span></span>

[Xplantdad]

Joe...LOL!

[Verne_Frantz]

<span style="color: #3366FF">A blond, a redhead and a brunette share the same office with their good looking female supervisor. One day the supervisor says she has to take the day off and wishes the 3 workers a productive day. The three all decide that if she’s gone, they might as well take the day off too and she’ll never know, so they all leave.
The next morning the three get together and ask each other what they did with their day. The brunette says she had her hair done and had a manicure and spent the day at the mall. The redhead says she went home and got caught up with all her gardening. When they asked the blond what she did, she said she went home and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. She went back to look and saw their boss in bed with her husband. The other girls were shocked and asked, “what did you do??”. The blond replied, I got out of there as fast as I could. Thank God I didn’t get caught!”
</span>

[mockingbird812]

<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif

[Mr70]

A blonde hires a contractor to replace some windows in her home.
The contractor puts her on a payment plan,and she agrees.
A year goes by and the contractor has yet to receive a payment.
He calls the blonde up for payment and she replys,&quot;Sir,I don't understand,when I bought these windows from you,you told me they would pay for themselves in a year&quot;.

[Day2_69Z]

<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/no.gif

We all have been here....what do most blondes consider safe sex ?

and after,,,, how does the same blonde 'turn on the lights' ?

[earntaz]

PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS....

There was this fellow from Mississippi, driving down I-55 South who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait....
A out of state traveler headed for New Orleans, studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he! turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, &quot;I have a flat tarr.&quot;

In response the passerby asked, &quot;But what's with the flowers?&quot;

The man responded, &quot;When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.&quot;

[Day2_69Z]

omg, you guys are brightening my day...no pun intended

[Day2_69Z]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Day2_69Z</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/no.gif

We all have been here....what do most blondes consider safe sex ?

a tilt wheel &amp; power seat.......

and after,,,, how does the same blonde 'turn on the lights' ?</div></div> <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/naughty.gif

she opens the door for the dome light..... <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/whistle.gif

[whitetop]

A man was laying in bed with his wife one night and the &quot;urge&quot; came up out of nowhere . He asked his wife if she wanted to make out and she replied she could not because she already took a shower and had a OB/GYN appointment first thing in the morning.

The man pondered for a while and then said , &quot;You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow also do ya?&quot;

[earntaz]

We may have to start a new section ... here is a good one!

Good Salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big &quot;everything under one roof&quot; department store looking for a job.

The manager says, &quot;Do you have any sales experience?&quot;

The kid says, &quot;Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.&quot;

The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. &quot;You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.&quot;

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day. &quot;How many customers bought something from you today?&quot;

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, &quot;One&quot;.

The manager replies, &quot;Just one?!!? Our employees average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son.&quot;

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes. The manager felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), &quot;So, how much was your one sale for?&quot;

The kid looks up at his manager and says &quot;$101,237.65&quot;.

The manager, astonished, says, &quot;$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?&quot;

The kid says, &quot;Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.&quot;

The manager said &quot;A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?&quot;

The kid said, &quot;No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'&quot;

[Xplantdad]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Verne_Frantz</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><span style="color: #3366FF">A blond, a redhead and a brunette share the same office with their good looking female supervisor. One day the supervisor says she has to take the day off and wishes the 3 workers a productive day. The three all decide that if she’s gone, they might as well take the day off too and she’ll never know, so they all leave.
The next morning the three get together and ask each other what they did with their day. The brunette says she had her hair done and had a manicure and spent the day at the mall. The redhead says she went home and got caught up with all her gardening. When they asked the blond what she did, she said she went home and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. She went back to look and saw their boss in bed with her husband. The other girls were shocked and asked, “what did you do??”. The blond replied, I got out of there as fast as I could. Thank God I didn’t get caught!”
</span> </div></div>


LOL....Nice, Verne! <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/headbang.gif

[Xplantdad]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: whitetop</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A man was laying in bed with his wife one night and the &quot;urge&quot; came up out of nowhere . He asked his wife if she wanted to make out and she replied she could not because she already took a shower and had a OB/GYN appointment first thing in the morning.

The man pondered for a while and then said , &quot;You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow also do ya?&quot;

</div></div>


<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/shocked.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/grin.gif

[twertsy]

A 75 year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist asked 'Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for to-day?' 'There's something wrong with my dick' he replied,
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that'. 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong, and I told you' replied the man.
The receptionist said 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people, you should have said ' There is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private'.
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone' .
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked 'Yes?' 'There’s something wrong with my ear' he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice...'And what is wrong with your ear Sir?'
'I cant pee out of it!' he replied.

[twertsy]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

[earntaz]

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

&quot;Mother,&quot; the nuns asked earnestly, &quot;Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.&quot;

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, &quot;DON'T SELL THAT COW. &quot;

[Canuck]

WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , &quot;Do these new grips make me look fat?&quot;

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

[earntaz]

WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN

As a kid born and raised in northern Wisconsin and an old Air Force 462, guns are a way of life. Now living here in south Texas, guns are just as prevalent.

I sure am glad my wife mate doesn't read posting here!! LOL

[Verne_Frantz]

When I was in high school and had a rock band I decided I wanted to spiff up my appearance a bit with a nice suit like some of the other band members in the late '60s. I asked an older gentleman for his advice as to the best place to get something nice. He told me to go to Coxs and get a Searsucker suit. It didn't work out so well because I misunderstood him and went to Sears!

Verne <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/rolleyes.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/blush.gif

[earntaz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Verne_Frantz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">When I was in high school and had a rock band I decided I wanted to spiff up my appearance a bit with a nice suit like some of the other band members in the late '60s. I asked an older gentleman for his advice as to the best place to get something nice. He told me to go to Coxs and get a Searsucker suit. It didn't work out so well because I misunderstood him and went to Sears!

Verne <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/rolleyes.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/blush.gif </div></div>

OUCH!@#$

[Xplantdad]

Verne...LOL!!

[galveston]

My ex-wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas one year and my response was something that goes from 0 to 220 in 3 seconds or less......

I got a bathroom scale. <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/frown.gif

[Xplantdad]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: galveston</div><div class="ubbcode-body">My ex-wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas one year and my response was something that goes from 0 to 220 in 3 seconds or less......

I got a bathroom scale. <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/frown.gif </div></div>

Cue the rim shot! LOL <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif

[m22mike]

So is that scale big enough <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/hmmm.gif

[m22mike]

*** Missing Wife ***

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.


Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.



Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.



Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.



Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.



Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.



Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Blue Granite Metallic 2011 Chevy Silverado LT 4x4 crew-cab with the 5'8&quot; short box with black leather bench seat interior. It has the 403hp 6.2L V8, 6 speed automatic, and max towing package with 3.73 gears and factory brake controller. It has 17&quot; aluminum wheels with General Altimax tires, and a 2&quot; drop hitch with 2-5/16&quot; ball. I removed the 4x4 stickers off the box sides and the flex-fuel emblem off the tailgate.


At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Yuk, Yuk, Yuk <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/grin.gif

[Lynn]

Sorry if this is a repost.

Elderly lady takes her husband to the doc.

After an exam, Doc takes the lady into the next room:
&quot;Your husband is in bad shape.
He needs you to be attentive and loving.
Believe it or not, he needs regular sex.
He needs a hot breakfast every morning.
Most importantly, you cannot nag him or cause him any stress whatsoever.&quot;

Man and wife are leaving the Doc's office, and he asks, &quot;What did the Doctor say?&quot;













Her answer: &quot;You're gonna die.&quot;

[Xplantdad]

LOL Mike and Lynn!

[JChlupsa]

OK so back to the org joke what year Goat was it :P

[Material_Boy]

Blonde and a brunette were in the elevator of the office building they work in. Elevator stops and this guy enters the elevator wearing a navy blue suit with dandruff flakes all over the shoulders of his suit. Just disgusting. Elevator stops and the guy gets off. As the door closed the brunette looks at the blonde and says &quot;wow that guy needs some Head and Shoulders&quot; Blond thinks for minuet and says &quot;yeah...but how do you give shoulders?&quot;

[Canuck]

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
&quot;Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?&quot;

He says, &quot;Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.&quot;

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, &quot;That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only
$20.00.&quot;

She says, &quot;It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!&quot; As she opens her purse, her credit
card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,&quot; he says. She bends down to pick it up
and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then
realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, &quot;That'll be $34.50 please.&quot;

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, &quot;Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?&quot;

He replies, &quot;Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.&quot;

[Xplantdad]

<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif