musclcar
01-12-2005, 06:11 AM
How to change the oil in your car~> >> >Instructions on how to change the oil in your car - FOR WOMAN> >> >1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the> >last oil change.> >2) Drink a cup of coffee.> >3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained> >vehicle.> >> >MONEY SPENT> >Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00> >TOTAL $21.00> >> >OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN> >> >1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,> >filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for> >$50> >00> >2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive> >home.> >3) Open a beer and drink it.> >4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.> >5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.> >6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.> >7) Place drain pan under en gine.> >8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.> >9) Give up and use crescent wrench.> >10) Unscrew drain plug.> >11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.> >12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.> >Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.> >13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.> >14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.> >15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil> >filter and twist off.> >16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil> >everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash> >can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.> >17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil> >change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.> >18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag> >pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil i n hole> >in backyard instead of taking it to be recycle!> >19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.> >20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.> >21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.> >22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to> >gasket> >surface.> >23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.> >24) Remember drain plug from step 11.> >25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.> >26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along> >with drain plug.> >27) Drink beer.> >28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt> >into> >hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground> >and> >avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.> >29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throwkitty> >litter on oil spill.> >30) Drink beer.> >31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oilyrag> >used> >to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drainplug> >and bang> >knuckles on frame.> >32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.> >33) Begin cussing fit.> >34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.> >35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes> >36) Beer.> >37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop bloodflow.> >38) Beer.> >39) Beer.> >40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.> >41) Beer.> >42) Lower car from jack stands.> >43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.> >44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during> >steps 23 - 43.> >45) Beer.> >46) Test drive car.> >47) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.> >48) Car gets impounded.> >49) Call loving wife, make bail.> >50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.> >> >MONEY SPENT> >Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00> >TOTAL -- $4165.00> >BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT> >Priceless!!!!!!!!!! http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/haha.gif http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/haha.gif http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/beers.gif