jfkheat
03-01-2006, 01:29 AM
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his
lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion
was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device & brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
taser in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second
burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, & tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds
I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with
a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-GUN.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up &
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, & my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
I'm still in shock
lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion
was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device & brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
taser in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second
burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, & tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds
I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with
a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-GUN.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up &
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, & my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
I'm still in shock