The parrot

[Chevy454]

I stole this from a truck site...
------------------------------------
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the
bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home
from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!

[Keith Tedford]

Should I be taking offense to this? Damned parrots. http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

[Z28DZ]

How about:

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that the boy's bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed "To Dad". Curious, he opened the envelope and read the letter:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you both would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children in addition to the six she already has.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

With much love,
Your son Jon


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you, Dad.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3gears.gif Get outta Dodge!

[JQ]

http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif

[x Baldwin Motion]

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and slept with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Eddie M.]

man and woman get married, in the honeymoon suite that nite the husband takes his pants off and hands them to his wife and tells her to try them on well she gets them on and turns to the husband and says these pants are way to big for me the husband smiles yeah he says and don't you forget it I wear the pants in this family so the wife takes her pants off and hands them to the husband and says here try these on well after about 5 mins the husband turns to the wife and says I can't get into them the wife smiles yeah and don't you ever forget it

[Mr70]

A little boy walks by his single mothers bedroom one night,and sees her on the bed pleasuring herself screaming.."I need a man!..I need a man!"
A few nights later after dinner,the doorbell rings and his mother opens the door to introduce her son to her newly found boyfriend.
The little boy jumps from the dining room table,runs into his bedroom,jumps up on his bed,pulls down his pants & starts pleasuring himself all while screaming.."I need a bike!..I need a bike!

[John Brown]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking
him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

"Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this
pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.
So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and tells me to pull off my shirt.
So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.
So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.
So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".

So, here I am."

[Fast67VelleN2O]

^^^ LOL thats a good one

[70 Forest Green Zee]

A man returns home after a day on the golf course, throws open the back door, slams his clubs down in the corner and slaps his wife accross the face so hard that it left his hand print on her cheek. Then he heads towards the fridge to get a beer and his wife says " what did you do that for? I've done nothing wrong!" The man replied " I'm hitting everything fat today! "

[gearheadmex]

A couple are celebrating their 15 year wedding anniversary. They go out for a nice dinner and have drinks by a roaring fire. They go home and make love for hours. About four in the morning the wife wakes up to discover her husband is not in bed. Concerned, she searches the house and finds him sitting at the kitchen table, head in his hands, crying like a baby. She asks him what is wrong. He says, remember when your father caught us having sex in the back seat of your car and you ended up pregnant, and your father said it was either marry you or go to jail? The wife says, yes but it all worked out. The husband replies....................
Yes, but I would have gotten out of jail TODAY!!!!!!!! http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

[Canucklehead]

Whats the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?.............................................. ......One snatches watches!

[SSJunkie68-69]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.'

The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.'

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'

'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.'

'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this bitch giving you a hard time?'

[Mr70]

I like that one.
My Grandpa told it on X-mas morning one year in front of the whooooooole family.. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/Rick_Peters/d30e6ce14556cd5dcb2d0ae3e869020f.gif

[Xplantdad]

LOL http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Z28DZ]

Good stuff http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Howsa about:

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired
and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a
few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me
one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to
play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's
the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?" The lawyer has a perplexed look on his face as the Blonde leans
away and falls asleep.. The Lawyer starts using his laptop, searches all
references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library
of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no
avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and
goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

[SSJunkie68-69]

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00 .
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00 .
Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Democrat?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."

[Kim_Howie]

Now I like that one http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/haha.gif http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/haha.gif