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Charley Lillard 07-31-2015 01:16 PM

joke
 
https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics...1-att00001.jpg
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a
black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the
lake as soon as we bury his wife."

marxjunk 07-31-2015 02:47 PM

Re: joke
 
funny...prob true somewhere in the midwest or south east..lol

dale68z 08-01-2015 07:24 PM

Re: joke
 
[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/flag.gif[/img]

Canuck 08-17-2015 05:01 PM

Re: joke
 
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.&quot;Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?&quot;&quot;Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.&quot;

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, &quot;It looks like you have seen a lot of action.&quot;

&quot;Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.&quot;

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
&quot;You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.&quot;
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, &quot;You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?&quot;

&quot;1955, ma'am.&quot;

&quot;Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to &quot;relax&quot; him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,

&quot;Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.&quot;

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,
&quot;I hope not; it's only 2130 now.&quot;

(Gotta love military time)

Mr70 08-17-2015 05:38 PM

Re: joke
 
A man was sunbathing on a nude beach with his hat covering his lower section.
A nude woman walked by and snapped,&quot;If you were a gentleman,you would've tipped your hat to me&quot;.
The man replied,&quot;Lady,if you were more attractive,the hat would've tipped itself&quot;.

427TJ 08-17-2015 05:39 PM

Re: joke
 
Bob Hope's last words, to his wife when she asked him where he wanted to be buried: &quot;Surprise me.&quot;

Funny to the very end.

Keith Seymore 08-18-2015 11:50 AM

Re: joke
 
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 427TJ</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Bob Hope's last words, to his wife when she asked him where he wanted to be buried: &quot;Surprise me.&quot;

Funny to the very end. </div></div>

I've heard that attributed to Yogi Berra.

Maybe he was a Bob Hope fan.

Or not. If he wasn't then we certainly couldn't stop him.

K

427TJ 08-19-2015 04:40 AM

Re: joke
 
A Drug Enforcement Administration offcier stops at a local ranch.

He talks with the old rancher and tells him, &quot; I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs&quot;.
The rancher says, &quot;All right, but do not go in that field over there,&quot; as he points out the location.
The DEA officer explodes saying, &quot;Listen here, I have the authority of the federal government right here!&quot;
Reaching into his rear pants pocket the DEA agent pulls out his government badge and holds it in the rancher's face.
&quot;See this f***ing badge? This f***ing badge means I am allowed to go on any land at any time without your permission or anyone else's! If I want to go in that field over there I will! Now have I made myself clear?&quot;

The rancher nods and goes about his chores.

A short time later the old rancher hears loud yelling, looks up, and sees the DEA officer running full-speed in front of the farmer's angry bull.
With every step the officer takes the bull gains two.
Seconds before the bull catches up to the DEA officer the rancher drops his tools and stands up and yells:

&quot;Your badge! Show him your f***ing badge!&quot;

L72copocamaro 08-20-2015 02:45 AM

Re: joke
 
That's great!

bbbentley 08-20-2015 03:32 AM

Re: joke
 
An old gent strolls into a Chevy dealer and buys a new Corvette. As he leaves, he has the top down and is impressed by the car's performance. As he enters the Xpressway he gives her a little nudge on the gas. Quickly he reaches 110mph, his hair, what little there is, wisping in the wind. He says to himself,&quot;this is great.&quot; Almost as quick, he comes to his senses and starts slowing the car down, muttering that he must be crazy to go that fast. Too late though, he sees the lights of a trooper in his rear view mirror. The trooper approaches and says, &quot;Listen, it is Friday and I am just getting off shift and looking forward to my weekend. If you can give one good reason why you were going that fast back there, I will let you go and not give you a citation!&quot; The old gent thinks for a second and then says, &quot;Well, 10 years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back!!&quot; [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/laugh.gif[/img]

earntaz 08-20-2015 01:42 PM

Re: joke
 
HeHeHe -- good ones!

Stefano 08-21-2015 08:29 PM

Re: joke
 
I can't even believe that you would post such a sexist joke on this forum.

Lynn 08-21-2015 09:30 PM

Re: joke
 
I agree with Stefano. No place for that here.

So.... guy is walking down the beach, and finds a bottle. Picks it up, opens the top and out comes a Genie. Genie says he can have ONE wish. Guys says: &quot;I thought I got three wishes.&quot; Nope, says the Genie, that's the Hollywood version; one wish, take it or leave it.

Guy thinks this over really hard. He had always wanted to go to Hawaii, but was deathly afraid of flying or traveling by boat. So, he says: &quot;I want a highway from L.A. to Hawaii.&quot;

Genie starts back peddling. Are you kidding me? You have no idea what you are asking. That is huge. It will mess up shipping lanes, and the logistics are just crazy. Is there ANYTHING else I can give you?

Guy thinks for a minute, and says: &quot;OK, I will let you off the hook, if you can tell me how a woman's mind works.&quot;

Wait for it....








Genie: &quot;TWO LANE OR FOUR?&quot;

Craig_Maiorana 08-21-2015 11:24 PM

Re: joke
 
[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img] [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/beers.gif[/img]

Mr70 08-23-2015 03:08 PM

Re: joke
 
1 Attachment(s)
.

Xplantdad 08-25-2015 01:40 PM

Re: joke
 
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for &quot;Alberta Bear Removers.&quot;

He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

&quot;What are you going to do?&quot; the homeowner asks.

&quot;I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.&quot;

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

&quot;What's the shotgun for?&quot; asks the homeowner.

&quot;If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.&quot;

earntaz 08-25-2015 05:57 PM

Re: joke
 
omg!!!!

earntaz 08-25-2015 08:51 PM

Re: joke
 
PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS....

There was this fellow from Mississippi, driving down I-55 South who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait....

A out of state traveler headed for New Orleans, studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he! turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, &quot;I have a flat tarr.&quot;

In response the passerby asked, &quot;But what's with the flowers?&quot;

The man responded, &quot;When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.&quot;

Xplantdad 08-26-2015 01:52 AM

Re: joke
 
Nice!

Keith Seymore 08-26-2015 12:07 PM

Re: joke
 
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS....

There was this fellow from Mississippi, driving down I-55 South who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait....

A out of state traveler headed for New Orleans, studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he! turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, &quot;I have a flat tarr.&quot;

In response the passerby asked, &quot;But what's with the flowers?&quot;

The man responded, &quot;When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.&quot;
</div></div>

My dad would haved like that one. He was from SE Missouri. He put &quot;tars&quot; on the car but the roadway was paved with &quot;tire&quot;.

I remember when one of my kids asked me: &quot;Daddy...why does Papaw say 'thank ya'?&quot;

K

earntaz 08-26-2015 12:52 PM

Re: joke
 
When the Gov decided my pay check would be delivered in Texas, we had to learn the language. Examples are as -- &quot;Jury&quot; is not what you would find in a court of law but rather jewelry worn by a lady. &quot;Trays&quot; were not something you see at Lubys but rather those tall green things with brown centers. &quot;Tars&quot; -- well we already talked about that. And on and on and on ... TAZ

Charley Lillard 08-26-2015 09:13 PM

Re: joke
 
After a long day of fishing, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have a sandwich and a cold drink.


After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.


I told them &quot;The one who knows how to fix elevators.&quot;


I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

earntaz 08-26-2015 09:48 PM

Re: joke
 
Absolutely copy that !!! It is pure hell at my age when the eye teeth are floatin' ... TAZ

Charley Lillard 08-27-2015 12:28 AM

Re: joke
 
Not working?



So after a long day at work I come home to an empty house. I proceed to the kitchen where I find a note on the fridge from my girlfriend.

&quot;this isn't working, I'm sorry but I just can't take it, I'm going to go live with my mother&quot;

But then I opened the fridge the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell was she talking about?

earntaz 08-28-2015 02:47 AM

Re: joke
 
I've finally found my place in life. I believe I like it!

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance (pensions).
I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.

earntaz 08-31-2015 05:53 PM

Re: joke
 
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower
than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!”
the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time”, the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Xplantdad 08-31-2015 07:47 PM

Re: joke
 
LOL....Nice!

earntaz 09-01-2015 02:08 PM

Re: joke
 
A bit of humor for fellow military types -- TAZ

http://undertheradar.military.com/20...?ESRC=under.sm

Charley Lillard 09-02-2015 02:39 PM

Re: joke
 
Avocados
A wife asks her
husband, &quot;Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk and if
they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with
6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, &quot;Why did you buy
6 cartons of
milk?&quot;
He replied, &quot;They had avocados.&quot;

Mr70 09-02-2015 04:24 PM

Re: joke
 
Today I watched my dog chase his own tail and thought,Wow dogs are easily entertained.
Then I realized I've been watching my dog chase his own tail.

tom406 09-03-2015 03:18 AM

Re: joke
 


Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Kentucky?

A: They couldn't find three wise men OR a virgin.

(As told by a Kentucky-born friend to me years ago....)

427.060 09-03-2015 03:31 AM

Re: joke
 
How do you know that the tooth brush was invented in Arkansas?

If it were invented anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush.

Charley Lillard 09-04-2015 03:52 PM

Re: joke
 
My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.


I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, &quot;Who does something like that?”



Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!





If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple &quot;Thank you&quot; is all I need ... not all this, &quot;How did you get in my house&quot; business!

VintageMusclecar 09-04-2015 04:36 PM

Re: joke
 
SENIOR SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, &quot;Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.&quot;
Yes, she says, &quot;I remember it well.&quot;

OK, he says, &quot;How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?&quot;

&quot;Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!&quot;
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, &quot;Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?&quot;

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
&quot;Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.&quot;

earntaz 09-04-2015 04:44 PM

Re: joke
 
Eric -- now that is a good one!! I know those who have urinated on an electic fence ... Ooopps!

Lynn 09-04-2015 04:45 PM

Re: joke
 
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 427.060</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How do you know that the tooth brush was invented in Arkansas?

If it were invented anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush. </div></div>

What lives in Arkansas and has 28 teeth?












A family of four.

bbbentley 09-05-2015 02:06 AM

Re: joke
 
Two ole timers reminiscing about each of their first time sexual encounter. One says to the other, I remember the first time, I took the young gal behind the barn and dropped my drawers. His friend intently listening. I was just about to go to it with her and suddenly from around front of the barn comes her Mother and caught us. I immediately look up in surprise. Friend says, Well yea, what did she say? He answers, Moooo!

bbbentley 09-05-2015 02:27 AM

Re: joke
 
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">When the Gov decided my pay check would be delivered in Texas, we had to learn the language. Examples are as -- &quot;Jury&quot; is not what you would find in a court of law but rather jewelry worn by a lady. &quot;Trays&quot; were not something you see at Lubys but rather those tall green things with brown centers. &quot;Tars&quot; -- well we already talked about that. And on and on and on ... TAZ </div></div>

Well, along this line of thought...

A young city slicker buys a farm on the edge of a small rural town. He decides he wants some animals and sets off walking to the town's General store. Upon arrival he decides to ask to buy a 'hen'. Store owner replies, &quot;yes we have those, but you city folk are going to have to learn the right farm name. &quot;It is a Pullet.&quot;&quot;, he says. Oh, replies the City boy. Well, I will also take a 'Rooster'. Well, fine, store owner says, &quot;but you need to know the correct farm name is a &quot;Cock-Bird.&quot;. Anything else says store owner? Yea, I need a Mule. Once again store owner corrects the city-boy. &quot;That is known as an A**&quot;, and if you are going to live on a farm you best be learning the right name.&quot;, owner quips. Owner tells the man that the A** can be contrary and stop in it's path, but assured the young man all he needed to do is scratch the A** behind the ear and it would proceed. The young man gathers the lead rope for the A** and each bird in each arm and starts down the walkway back to his farm. Just then, his A** stops in it's tracks. A fine looking young Lady is approaching and the city boys stops her and asks, &quot;Ma'am, would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my A**?&quot;

427TJ 09-06-2015 07:09 PM

Re: joke
 
&quot;Hello?&quot;

&quot;Hi honey. This is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?&quot;

&quot;No daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.&quot;

After a brief pause daddy says, &quot;But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.&quot;

&quot;Oh yes I do, he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now.&quot;

(Brief pause.)

&quot;Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.&quot;

&quot;Okay daddy, just a minute.&quot;

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

&quot;I did it daddy.&quot;

&quot;What happened honey?&quot; he asked.

Well, mommy got scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!&quot;

&quot;Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?&quot;

&quot;He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on. He was scared too and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.&quot;

(Long pause.)

Then daddy says,

&quot;Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?&quot;

VintageMusclecar 09-06-2015 07:22 PM

Re: joke
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, &quot;My friend is dead! What can I do?&quot; The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, &quot;Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.&quot; There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, &quot;OK, now what?&quot;


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