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Both those last two jokes are priceless ... LOL
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Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!! The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box.. gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday!
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The Minister's Wife
After a church service,Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?" Mike doesn't like it,but being a friend,he agrees. After the services,Mike pulls the minister aside and starts asking him all sorts of stupid questions just to keep him occupied. Finally,the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike,feeling guilty,finally confesses to the minister..."Jack is sleeping with your wife right now,so he asked me to keep you occupied." The minister smiles,puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says,"Oh you'd better hurry home Mike,my wife died two years ago." |
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. There are two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as you think. |
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A lady goes to the family doctor and tells him her husband is eating dog food – she brought a can with her and gave it to the doctor. The doctor reads the ingredients and tells the lady there is nothing in the dog food that will hurt him – it’s probably just a passing fancy or something … he should get over it and quit.
Two weeks later the lady is walking down the street and runs into the doctor, he asks “how is your husband doing?” The lady said “he’s dead”. The doctor says, “That’s impossible, there was nothing in that dog food that would kill him” The lady said, “oh no – it wasn’t the dog food -- he was laying out in the driveway licking his privates and I backed over him”. |
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<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A lady goes to the family doctor and tells him her husband is eating dog food – she brought a can with her and gave it to the doctor. The doctor reads the ingredients and tells the lady there is nothing in the dog food that will hurt him – it’s probably just a passing fancy or something … he should get over it and quit.
Two weeks later the lady is walking down the street and runs into the doctor, he asks “how is your husband doing?” The lady said “he’s dead”. The doctor says, “That’s impossible, there was nothing in that dog food that would kill him” The lady said, “oh no – it wasn’t the dog food -- he was laying out in the driveway licking his privates and I backed over him”. </div></div> At least he didn't run into the street chasing a poodle and get hit by a car. K |
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A Clean Joke
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from a different direction. "Hi," said the little girl. "Where are you going?" asked the little boy. "I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl. "I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" "I go to the Catholic church down the road. What about you?" "I go to the Lutheran church up the hill." "I'm going that way. Wanna walk together?" "Sure." They came to a low spot in the road where rain had partially flooded the road, leaving no way for them to get across to the other side without getting wet. The little girl said, "If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive." "My Mom will tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet." "I know what to do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna take off all my clothes and hold them over my head as I wade across." "That's a good idea. I'll do the same thing with my suit." So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. As they were standing in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, the little boy remarked, "You know, up until now I never realized how much difference there is between Catholics and Lutherans." |
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Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...' |
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A Sunday School class of 6 year old's is asked by their teacher, "what part of your body do you think enters Heaven first?" Susie thoughtfully answers the teacher saying, she believes your hands enter first as St. Peter is extending his hand to greet you. The teacher commends Susie for her great answer. Little Billy scrunches his face and nods in disagreement. The teacher says, "You look like you have a different answer, what do you think, Billy?" Billy says, "teacher, I believe your feet enter Heaven first!" "Well, Why do you think that is the case Billy?", the puzzled teacher asked. Billy says, "The other night I walk in on Mom and Dad and Mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was screaming, Oh Lord, I am coming, I am coming!"..."and it was all Dad could do to keep her pinned down!"
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect ... your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations ... I've changed my will three times!' |
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' |
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We have a tradition of making up limericks instead of buying birthday cards at the store. It has been a family tradition for years now and we have a great book of limericks.
My wife got the flu last week and it ruined all our festive plans with her being sick in bed on her birthday. Here is the birthday limerick I wrote to cheer her up (and to beg forgiveness for tracking garage grease across the tan carpet). She loved it! (Especially when one of her birthday gifts was a fresh can of carpet cleaner) Oh, and by the way I neglected to mention that the dog peed on the bed comforter, so I drew the artist's rendering at the bottom. Maybe she won't notice? https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics...-img_1595a.jpg |
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You could have blamed it all on the dog!! LOL
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Too late - she found the boot with the tar stain still on it...and I was wearing it at the time...and I was standing at the end of the trail of stains on the carpet...and the dog was outside in the backyard with an alibi.
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Sunday school teacher tells the 2nd graders to draw a picture of a favorite bible story. One boy draws an airplane with two cock pits. One guy in the front and three in the back. Teacher keeps walking by, looking, trying to figure out which story this is. Finally asks the boy to explain.
Well, this is the flight from Egypt. Teacher asks about the 3 characters in the back cock pit. That's Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus. Hmmm, and who is this in the front cock pit? That's Pontius, the Pilate. |
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Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' |
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1 Attachment(s)
More sad than funny, or more funny than sad?
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Now that IS believable -- if you don't, that just visit some ... not all, of your local tire stores, oil change, or yahwho repair shops. At 70 years young, I sure am glad I have the ability to do the minor MX stuff and not have to depend on these places. TAZ
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Hot rods, guns and new wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks-up, "Honey, I've just been thinking … now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.” Tom gets a very concerned look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife," he said, calmly. "Ex wife?" She screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" Tom smoothly replied, "I wasn't." |
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined. The governments don't know where to start providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops. Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. Great Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. God Bless GREAT BRITAIN. Darn those Brits are smart! |
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<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined. The governments don't know where to start providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops. Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. Great Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. God Bless GREAT BRITAIN. Darn those Brits are smart! </div></div> LOL!!! Dave 67 Nova Boy |
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I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on eBay) and put it in the center of the yard. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month. |
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Damn Bill -- that sounds like a plan! Just as long as Snowdon doesn't ask to rent a room ...
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Another favorite, possible already posted here.
Once upon a time an airline pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?" The princess said, "No!!!!" And the airline pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never had to pay child support or alimony and kept his house and cars and guns and ate cold leftover meals potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The End. |
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Good one..... [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/beers.gif[/img]
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Just for the record, apparently you can buy a confederate flag on ebay.
Confederate Flag While I would never fly one, I certainly believe all Americans have the right to. I could not find one isis flag on ebay. Lots of anti isis flags. |
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When your over 70, and some of us are.. [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/crazy.gif[/img]...and some of us are darn close... [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/no.gif[/img]\
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yea, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches. . . but when you are pushing seventy. . . who gives a shit? &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&a mp; Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....." When you are pushing (or over) over seventy, who gives a shit &*&&&&&&&&& ;&&&&&&&&&& ;&&&&&&&&&& ;&&&&&&&& I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right. " I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." When you are over seventy, who gives a shit &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&& I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." When you are over seventy, who gives a shit &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&& I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you are over seventy, who gives a shit &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&& I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so." I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." When you are over seventy, who gives a shit |
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Mike -- I am also a retired USAF/DoD Aircraft Maintainer, over 70 years old ... and those are damn good ones ... LMAO ... TAZ
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A husband and wife were Christmas shopping in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and since they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.The wife said "Where are you,you know we have lots to do?" He said "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago....the one where you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you, remember that place? Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied. He said, "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
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HeHeHe --- good one!
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A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)? "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't, Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks". |
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True ...
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING......SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE. MY NAME IS ALICE AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEAR AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID <span style="font-style: italic">YOU</span> TEACH?" |
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Kurt,
Good one [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/biggthumpup.gif[/img] Dan |
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[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]
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<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img] </div></div>
Me too [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img] |
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In the spirit of the recent Power Ball lottery frenzy:
A guy comes home and storms in through the door, yelling to his wife: "Pack your bags! Pack your bags! I won the Lottery Jackpot!" His wife responds, excitedly: "Oh my God! Oh my God! Should I pack for the mountains or for the tropics?" He responds: "I don't care, just get the hell out!" |
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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
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Old Man's Wishful Thinking
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.' One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.' 'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.' |
Re: joke
[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img] Both of them ...
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