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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns bright red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight.' Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God, I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes!' |
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[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/biggthumpup.gif[/img] [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]
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Mike, Mike, Mike -- don't buy any Armani shoes ... HeHehe -- good one!
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A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it." Dave 67 Nova Boy |
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[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]
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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" And pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. |
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[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img] Good one
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Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds like an awesome weekend, if you don't know what those two things are.
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The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Jawja and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings." |
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL McGLYNN'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat." |
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A foursome of male golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts. Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money. Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before. |
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I like that one Mike. It reminds me of this one:
An arrogant young golfer walked into the pro shop before starting his game and said he can hit the ball so far, he can't see where it lands so he needs a caddie with the best eyesight possible. The Pro calls over Eddie and said, "He has the best eyesight of any caddie I've ever seen" The golfer says, "You've got to be kidding me - he's got to be 80 years old!" "Actually, he's 85, but believe me, he can spot your ball" So they start off at the first tee and sure enough, the golfer hits a long ball way out of sight. He says, "OK Eddie, did you see where the ball landed?" "Yep" "OK, where is it?" "I forgot" |
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That could be me Vern, but I don't golf. [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/naughty.gif[/img]
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A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." |
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<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." </div></div> That's a good one. My dad was from SE Missouri, so he would put "tars" on the car but "tire" on the roadway. Never made sense to me either. I remember when my son asked me: "Daddy, why does Papaw say 'thank ya'?" The standard telephone greeting was "Haaar YUUU?!" to which the correct reply was "...Ahm FAAHHNN!" K |
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A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive." With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold. From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," the captain says. Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." |
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Who says dads can't think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ...
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says,"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!) The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." If you aren't laughing ... You aren't living! |
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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability and the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The couple replied, "we've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. The response: "our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "what age child are you hoping to adopt?" The couple replies, "it doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon." |
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best two ive heard in so long..holy crap..my side hurts from laffing so hard..
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." |
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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to The person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger Than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" |
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For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.
Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car. Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred. "What in bag?"- asked the old man. Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: -"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: - "Good trade!" |
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HeHe -- good one! [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]
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NEWS FROM MINNESOTA The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota … but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it. ———————————————————————— OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.' ———————————— VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400,' said the first Norwegian. 'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.' ———————————————————————— THE RELATIONS Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. ' Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' he asked. 'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena. 'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.' ———————————————————————— MUSIC SOLUTION Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. 'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars. 'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.' ———————————————————————— THE PRANK CALL The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up. 'Who vas dat?' asks Lena. 'I donno, some fool vanting to know if da coast vas clear.’ ———————————————————————— HONEYMOON TRIP On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther dan dat if you vant to'. So Ole drove to Dulute. ———————————————————————— DA PARTY Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Montevideo, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's, said, 'Ole ... What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.' 'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Dere vas boys and girls.' 'Is that right?' his policeman friend asked. 'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!' 'So vee all go into the bedroom ... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vell, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!' I guess I'm the first one here!' |
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f#@!^%$ fault!!! |
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Isn't that the damn truth ... [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]
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That is so on the money
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WOW!! I need to very delicately send that around the shop!
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Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old. Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?" Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for about a year." |
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HeHeHe -- dam glad I don't remember that!!!@#$
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand... Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." |
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LOL!
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HeHeHe -- good one!
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Good one!! Had me wondering where it was going!
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Politics at work ...
So I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!" He said "NO!" I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!!! He said "OKAY!" Got in contact with Bill Gates & told him "I want your daughter to marry my son!" He said "NO!" Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank! He said "OKAY!" Went to the President of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the Bank! He said "NO!" Told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law! He said "OKAY!" *That's Exactly how Politics works....* |
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LOL...Smart guy
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Coffee & Testicles
A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that." = |
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As a prior USAF and retired DoD employee -- I have seen this many times ... LOL TAZ [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/flag.gif[/img]
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Nice one Mike!!
And nice Cornholio post Charlie!! |
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Adults Only Please
This may be too hot for some of you, but what the heck . . . Click here: http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf Hey! I doubt that she's 17 years old like she claims. |
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