joke

[Charley Lillard]

ONE ARM

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things
that took two arms. One day, he'd had it. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He
was standing on the ledge, looking down, when he saw a man skipping
along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw the
man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here, feeling sorry for myself?
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms, skipping down the sidewalk, happy and going on with his life."

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt u gly
and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked the man for saving
his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go
on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

The one armed man asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He replied, "I'm NOT happy. My ass itches!"

[sYc]

[Mr70]

Three rich men were boasting about their wealth while on the golf course.
The first man says,"My property is so big,it would take days to cut all the grass".
The second man says,"My property is so big,I could land a 747 airplane on it".
The third man says,"My property is so big,if I wanted to drive my car across it,by the time the sun was setting in the west,you still wouldn't have crossed the property line yet".

The caddy looked up and said,"I own a car like that too..".

[Ngtflyr]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there.

She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

Her note reads:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her.

His note reads:

"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage. I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

[ZL1.FUN]

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about 130 kph. Up comes a red light and Bob goes right through it.

Bill turns to Bob and says, "What the hell are you doing?"

Bob says, "Don't worry' my brother does it all the time."

So on they go, and bam.... 130 kph through another red light!

Again, "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!"

Then they're driving along coming up to another red light, and wham.... it turns green. Bob jams on the breaks and skids to a stop!

Bill looks over and says, "What the hell is wrong with you? The damn light turned green so why did you stop?"

Bob says, "I figured my brother may have been coming the other way!"