#931
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#932
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#933
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?" . . . This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
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...................... John Brown This isn't rocket surgery..... |
#934
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After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers: P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget |
#935
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Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He
was sick of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines. Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car. Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
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...................... John Brown This isn't rocket surgery..... |
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to John Brown For This Useful Post: | ||
#936
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A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead s*x life.
After cooking his favorite meal for dinner one evening, she had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair. After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view. It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s,” She answered coyly with a seductive smile.” “Thank God!” he said, ” I thought you were sitting on the cat.” He never saw her glass of wine coming.
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You've never lived until you've almost died -- for those who fight for it, life has a flavor the protected will never know! |
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to earntaz For This Useful Post: | ||
Lee Stewart (10-14-2020), olredalert (10-15-2020) |
#937
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Al shows up to work one hour late. His boss is standing in his office doorway. "I told you the next time you show up late - you're fired. Now get the hell out of here!"
Al leaves his business, no longer employed, gets in his car and drives home. On the way a guy runs a STOP sign and T-Bones Al's car which is now totally destroyed. Standing on the sidewalk waiting for a taxi he asks himself: "can this day get any worse?" The taxi drops him off at his house. He enters and hears noises coming from the upstairs bedroom: sex noises. He rushes up the stairs, throws open the bedroom door and sees his wife in bed with his best friend. He screams "GET OUT you whore, you slut!" "Get out of this house RIGHT NOW!" The wife grabs the top sheet, wraps herself up and fleeing the bedroom and leaves the house. Al turns to his best friend . . . "Bad Dog! . . . Bad Dog!" |
The Following User Says Thank You to Lee Stewart For This Useful Post: | ||
earntaz (10-14-2020) |
#938
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#939
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I saw that as you can’t be hunter Biden for Halloween!
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69 camaro Z-28 burnished brown X-77 bought 1978 70 camaro Z28 forest green M40 black vinyl roof PROJECT 99 camaro SS Hugger Orange 6speed no t-tops 1 of 54 11 cts-v black diamond edition wagon 556hp GONE 15 camaro Z/28 white AC brand new |
The Following User Says Thank You to x77-69z28 For This Useful Post: | ||
L_e_e (11-04-2020) |
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