joke

[PeteLeathersac]

'

Someone asked Hilary Clinton if Harvey Weinstein's behaviour was similar to that of her husband.
She replied, "close but no cigar".

~ Pete


.

[earntaz]

Oooooooohhh ...

[Lee Stewart]

[earntaz]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- A bible

- A silver dollar

- A bottle of whisky

- And a playboy magazine.

I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, "I'll see which object he picks up".

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eyes, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

"Lord have mercy." the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

[Lee Stewart]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

[Lee Stewart]

The young newlyweds of very prestigious parents were promised a Million dollar endowment by their parents with the instructions that in order to collect it they must remain unimpregnated for 1 years. They agreed and thought between themselves, for that sum of money they could resist but after just 2 months of abstinence the lust had begun to wear on them, but they persisted and remained chaste. But by the 6th month, they were beginning to lose their restraint powers and went to speak with the attorney and explained their plight and he asked them why they didn't use a birth preventative method like a prophylactic and by the look they gave back he became aware that they knew nothing about this. So he explained that they go to a pharmacist and purchase some condoms. He advised them to read and pay close attention to the usage directions and follow those instructions exactly, and they would be able to enjoy the sexual benefits of their marriage without fear of becoming pregnant. He emphasized the need to follow the instructions precisely. About 3 months they returned to the lawyer very upset and infuriated, screaming at him, that she was now with child, and as such, they would no longer be entitled to the endowment. The lawyer asked if they followed the directions as listed because, if they had, she would not have become impregnated. They insisted that they followed the directions exactly, the lawyer baffled requested that he accompany them home to observe how they went about their preparation, They took the attorney back to their home, he told them 'now just go about it like he wasn't there and do as they usually did 'The young wife hopped into bed the husband took the condom out of it packing read it carefully then placed it neatly on the piano and proceeded to plow the lovely awaiting young wife. The lawyer screamed 'what the hell are you doing' why did you put the condom on the piano? The young man said " I followed the directions exactly as stated, I carefully removed from the packaging so as not to tear or puncture the condom then 'as per the instructions' I then went to put it on my organ, but we don't have an organ so I put it on the Piano.

[earntaz]

The Cardiologist

A Ford motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from an engine when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his work shop.

The doctor was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey doc, do you want to take a look at this?"


The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So
doc, look at this engine.

I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and replaced anything damaged and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when
you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic:

"Try doing it with the engine running!"

[Lee Stewart]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yelled, I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asked, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yelled, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there was an enormous burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going, Little Johnny?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[earntaz]

Be very careful around New York cabbies!

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why
he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy - to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married
and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

[Lee Stewart]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you MAD!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife"

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied:

"That's okay, It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."