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  #411  
Old 03-17-2018, 02:50 PM
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Happy St Paddy's Day from Texas....

Paddy, the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local
pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle
of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there
is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers
that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer
from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound
of a Texas State Trooper siren and brings his car to a stop. The Trooper approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer cripes sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
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  #412  
Old 03-18-2018, 07:59 PM
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  #413  
Old 03-18-2018, 07:59 PM
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  #414  
Old 03-18-2018, 08:02 PM
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Old 03-18-2018, 08:18 PM
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Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell!"
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  #416  
Old 03-18-2018, 08:22 PM
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A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
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  #417  
Old 03-21-2018, 07:38 AM
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At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete Dick.”
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  #418  
Old 03-24-2018, 04:23 PM
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A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He quietly asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and whispered with a quiet laugh, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Iíll bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

Everyone in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, "I study law and I know how to screw people."
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  #419  
Old 03-25-2018, 04:50 AM
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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Paul, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
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  #420  
Old 03-28-2018, 12:22 AM
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