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  #561  
Old 01-30-2019, 10:38 AM
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Lee Stewart Lee Stewart is offline
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  #562  
Old 02-01-2019, 07:39 PM
Big Block Bill Big Block Bill is offline
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A Guy goes to the Dentist to get a tooth pulled. The Dentist tells him to sit in the chair and gets the needle to give him Novocaine and he says: "No needles Doc, I don't do needles". so the Dentist gets the gas mask and he says: "No Doc I can't do mask's, I'm claustrophobic and I'll pass out" So the Dentist says: "Here take this Viagra" The Guy says: "I didn't know Viagra is used in Dentistry"? The Dentist says: "It's not, but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!
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  #563  
Old 02-13-2019, 03:05 PM
earntaz earntaz is offline
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Humor for seniors ~~~

Late one night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe
you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember
that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped
cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
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  #564  
Old 02-13-2019, 08:58 PM
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Lee Stewart Lee Stewart is offline
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1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza, are you happy?

3. How to prepare Tofu:

a. Throw it in the trash

b. Grill some meat, chicken, or fish, or even better, a burger and fries.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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  #565  
Old 02-14-2019, 03:39 AM
Lynn Lynn is offline
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Needs no explanation, but I guess I have to type something.
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  #566  
Old 02-14-2019, 03:39 AM
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Ditto
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  #567  
Old 02-14-2019, 03:40 AM
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Ditto #2
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Old 02-14-2019, 04:37 PM
earntaz earntaz is offline
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More humor for seniors ...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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  #569  
Old 02-16-2019, 03:30 PM
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And more humor for seniors ...


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said.

'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
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  #570  
Old 02-21-2019, 06:13 AM
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A State Trooper pulled an 87 yr old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her drivers license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit. Taken back, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession. She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console. The shocked trooper asked if that was all and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse." Finally the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of..? and the little old lady smiled and replied, "Not a damn thing."
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