joke

[earntaz]

Both those last two jokes are priceless ... LOL

[JBALL]

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!! The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box.. gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday!

[Mr70]

The Minister's Wife

After a church service,Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"
Mike doesn't like it,but being a friend,he agrees.

After the services,Mike pulls the minister aside and starts asking him all sorts of stupid questions just to keep him occupied.
Finally,the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike,feeling guilty,finally confesses to the minister..."Jack is sleeping with your wife right now,so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles,puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says,"Oh you'd better hurry home Mike,my wife died two years ago."

[earntaz]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as you think.

[earntaz]

A lady goes to the family doctor and tells him her husband is eating dog food – she brought a can with her and gave it to the doctor. The doctor reads the ingredients and tells the lady there is nothing in the dog food that will hurt him – it’s probably just a passing fancy or something … he should get over it and quit.

Two weeks later the lady is walking down the street and runs into the doctor, he asks “how is your husband doing?” The lady said “he’s dead”. The doctor says, “That’s impossible, there was nothing in that dog food that would kill him” The lady said, “oh no – it wasn’t the dog food -- he was laying out in the driveway licking his privates and I backed over him”.

[Keith Seymore]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A lady goes to the family doctor and tells him her husband is eating dog food – she brought a can with her and gave it to the doctor. The doctor reads the ingredients and tells the lady there is nothing in the dog food that will hurt him – it’s probably just a passing fancy or something … he should get over it and quit.

Two weeks later the lady is walking down the street and runs into the doctor, he asks “how is your husband doing?” The lady said “he’s dead”. The doctor says, “That’s impossible, there was nothing in that dog food that would kill him” The lady said, “oh no – it wasn’t the dog food -- he was laying out in the driveway licking his privates and I backed over him”.
</div></div>

At least he didn't run into the street chasing a poodle and get hit by a car.

K

[earntaz]

A Clean Joke


A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from a different direction.

&quot;Hi,&quot; said the little girl.

&quot;Where are you going?&quot; asked the little boy.

&quot;I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,&quot; answered the little girl.

&quot;I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?&quot;

&quot;I go to the Catholic church down the road. What about you?&quot;

&quot;I go to the Lutheran church up the hill.&quot;

&quot;I'm going that way. Wanna walk together?&quot;

&quot;Sure.&quot;

They came to a low spot in the road where rain had partially flooded the road, leaving no way for them to get across to the other side without getting wet.

The little girl said, &quot;If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive.&quot;

&quot;My Mom will tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet.&quot;

&quot;I know what to do,&quot; said the little girl. &quot;I'm gonna take off all my clothes and hold them over my head as I wade across.&quot;

&quot;That's a good idea. I'll do the same thing with my suit.&quot;

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. As they were standing in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, the little boy remarked, &quot;You know, up until now I never realized how much difference there is between Catholics and Lutherans.&quot;

[earntaz]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...'

[bbbentley]

A Sunday School class of 6 year old's is asked by their teacher, &quot;what part of your body do you think enters Heaven first?&quot; Susie thoughtfully answers the teacher saying, she believes your hands enter first as St. Peter is extending his hand to greet you. The teacher commends Susie for her great answer. Little Billy scrunches his face and nods in disagreement. The teacher says, &quot;You look like you have a different answer, what do you think, Billy?&quot; Billy says, &quot;teacher, I believe your feet enter Heaven first!&quot; &quot;Well, Why do you think that is the case Billy?&quot;, the puzzled teacher asked. Billy says, &quot;The other night I walk in on Mom and Dad and Mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was screaming, Oh Lord, I am coming, I am coming!&quot;...&quot;and it was all Dad could do to keep her pinned down!&quot;

[earntaz]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect ... your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations ... I've changed my will three times!'