Only a Southerner

[jfkheat]

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is real bad,
add a banana pudding.
____

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."
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Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request
for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl
in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do
"queues," we do "lines"; and when we're in line," we talk to
everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____

A Southern Divorce is not so bad, you can still be cousins!!!
_____

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
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Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee
are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart, she's doin the best she can". and go your own way
_____

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southern tawk as a second language! _____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads
"I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could." _____

Bless your hearts, Ya'll have a blessed day.