joke

[Charley Lillard]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had 12 children. No one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have? He answered: "Twelve." The agent asked, "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered “They're in the cemetery with their mother."

[earntaz]

Yep -- lawyers don't lie ... good one!!

[Lee Stewart]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought her a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave her a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"

[Charley Lillard]

A Lawyer/Senator and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

















The Lawyer-Senator is thinking that seniorsare so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.



So, the lawyer-senator asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer-senator persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer-senator quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer-senator asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer-senator.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer-senator, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer-senator uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer-senator is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer-senator $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Lee Stewart]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ....

So she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious.



There are two lessons here:



1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some people might think.

[earntaz]

Haaaaaaaaaaaa -- good one!!

[earntaz]

I was eating breakfast with my 10 year old Granddaughter and asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I ask her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obuma, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the president steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bull$hit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.

[HawkX66]

A man came in from a morning of fishing and parked his boat. He was beat so he took a nap. While he was sleeping his wife decided she'd take the boat out on the lake and do some reading.
She went to a nice little cove, anchored and started reading. Later, a Game Warden pulled up along side and asked her what she was doing. "Reading" she said while thinking, "Isn't that obvious?" The Game Warden said that she was in a restricted fishing area and that he was going to need to bring her in and ticket her. "I wasn't fishing, I was reading" she said. The Game Warden replied, "well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The woman said, "Fine, but when we go in I'm going to have to charge you with sexual assault." The Game Warden says, "But I haven't even touched you!" She looks at him and said, "Well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The Game Warden left her to read in peace...

[Vern B]

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years
suggested they take a cruise: “We could go somewhere for a week, and make
wild love like we did when we were young!” He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle
of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
“I’ve been thinking. There’s no reason we can’t go for a month.” So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, “You know,
since the children are on their own, what’s stopping us from cruising the
world?”

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The
pharmacist finally had to ask.

“You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30
years. I certainly don’t mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why
the hell do you do it?”

[Lee Stewart]

A jumbo jet was filled with passengers who were waiting for the pilot to arrive so they could take off.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing dark sunglasses.

At first, the passengers don’t react – thinking it must be some sort of practical joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering amongst themselves and look desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.

The plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway they become more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than 50 feet of runway left, the shouts intensify and everyone on board begins screaming at once.

At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re not going to know when to take off!”

[Lee Stewart]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Lee Stewart]

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

[Lee Stewart]

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'

Seeking out the pastor He asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Denver , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Georgia, upon entering a church in Powder Springs; Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call; Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the South now. You're in God's Country, It's a local call.'

[Charley Lillard]

a plane is on its way to toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up, & moves to the first class section and sits down.



the flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here.”





the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.





the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here.”





the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason.





the pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.





the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.



"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto "

[earntaz]

:grin::grin::grin::grin:

[Charley Lillard]

https://www.facebook.com/DonP/videos/1462801600451470/

[earntaz]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words... and don't forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.

[Lee Stewart]

http://s26.postimg.org/ejlcxnqll/download_1.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

http://s26.postimg.org/p7p3wi0kp/gdf.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/nod03t6cp/image.jpg (https://postimg.org/image/4j9qu1rol/)

[earntaz]

Pop is makin' sure the little fart won't fall off the bumper ... :biggthumpup:

[earntaz]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked
women, Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around
with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here
that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you fully understand the question before offering the
answer. :haha: :haha:

[Dave Rifkin]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own f-ing blanket’


After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Lee Stewart]

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[Lee Stewart]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[Charley Lillard]

https://i1.wp.com/knuckledraggin.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/mime-attachment.jpg?resize=589%2C395

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.


He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.


The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.


When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.





The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[Mr70]

:ooo:

[Lee Stewart]

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,

"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said,

"I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right?

You can't even find the Post Office."

[earntaz]

:haha::haha::haha:

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/4v00pzuy1/image.jpg (https://postimg.org/image/6zkdr2wkl/)

[Lee Stewart]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[earntaz]

Eight Words with two Meanings . . .

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ... Any part under a car's hood.
Male ... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female ... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male ... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female ... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female ... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male ... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn- ment) n.
Female ... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female ... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male ... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female ... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female ... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[earntaz]

Bran Muffins

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven. It is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your friggin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, DOESN'T IT?

[Charley Lillard]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/d9/6b/11/d96b1149b5816033d2922c227368a072.jpg

[Lee Stewart]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[Lee Stewart]

It's time for a clear, serious grammar lesson.

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world, and a case of 25 year old Scotch.

[JRC99]

In a Chicago Radiator Shop
"Best place in town to take a leak.”


There's actually a muffler shop in my neighborhood that has this very slogan.

[Keith Seymore]

There's actually a muffler shop in my neighborhood that has this very slogan.

We've got a deli nearby and their slogan is "You can't beat our meat".

K

[Lee Stewart]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man. Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing." "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a Million Bucks" The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead. And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC!"

[Lee Stewart]

I was on vacation in Florida with some colleagues and their wives on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?

"No."

"Let's find a place."

"Good," he says. "My car is right over there." I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.

I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."

"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."

"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.

"Oh, yeah. You got that right."

"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?

He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."

[earntaz]

I was on vacation in Florida with some colleagues and their wives on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?

"No."

"Let's find a place."

"Good," he says. "My car is right over there." I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.

I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."

"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."

"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.

"Oh, yeah. You got that right."

"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?

He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."

Makes perfect sense to me! I had a perfect 67 427 Vette -- everytime I turned around, the better half was driving it ... said she loved it. Had to get her a 73 Vette just to keep her out of mine??!@#$ ...

[earntaz]

The Gynecologist
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was just burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

[mssl72]

Oh man TAZ, that's good!!! :haha:

[Lee Stewart]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do.” his mother insisted.
“We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained.

“But this is Grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook!”

[earntaz]

Don't let Mama see this ... LOL

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/lmlzk825l/image.jpg (https://postimg.org/image/vwoejgs11/)

[earntaz]

How true -- oh so true!!!

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/wapqj2c4p/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

I've also seen the wing used as a pie rack ... LoL

[Keith Seymore]

I've also seen the wing used as a pie rack ... LoL

The Judge wing is functional, as well.

K

[Lee Stewart]

A Hummer drives up to a gas station, and after a half hour, the driver is still pumping gas in.

The cashier walks out, and says to the guy, "If you will shut the motor off you can make some headway on that thing"

[Charley Lillard]

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying

the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gKd2xaQ2WdE/Up0LzjRIv7I/AAAAAAAAdWA/B_SEVh6qnR4/s1600/1a.jpg

He notices, however, that all of the monks are

copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question

this, pointing out that if someone made even a small

error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of

the subsequent copies.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xXyt2s5l3Ek/Up0MQ4DVfpI/AAAAAAAAdWQ/N63g23NKtM8/s1600/1b.jpg

The head monk, says, "We have been copying

from the copies for centuries, but you make a

good point, my son."


http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ikLrOqA_wgs/Up0MRLBybwI/AAAAAAAAdWY/sLFnqA3XcZE/s1600/1c.jpg



He goes down into the dark caves

underneath the monastery where the original

manuscripts are held as archives,

in a locked vault that hasn't

been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.


http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JooMp6UNAac/Up0MROpqroI/AAAAAAAAdWU/KllUO-j7QTw/s1600/1d.jpg

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the
R!

We missed the
R!

We missed the bloody
R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ....

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kfMhT--6TDs/Up0LzjfKtlI/AAAAAAAAdWE/shyYUQpDrXA/s1600/1e.jpg


CELEBRATE!"

[Lee Stewart]

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

[Lee Stewart]

An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, ‘What is that you just served?’

The waiter replied, ‘Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!’

The Australian said, ‘I will have the same please.’

The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ‘These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.’

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

“Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

[earntaz]

Ole??!@#$

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/mx5t4oh15/BBASQIX.jpg (https://postimg.org/image/kfu1xex4l/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/esxozxum1/BBASQJy.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,

marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand

and took four leaks behind big trees.'

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!'



'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'

[Lee Stewart]

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,

• to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men…

[427.060]

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Mr70]

.

[earntaz]

Never underestimate the sweetness of revenge...

A fleeing ISIS terrorist, desperate for water, was
plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw
something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a
very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small
makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The ISIS terrorist asked, "Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you
like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I
do not need such an over-priced western adornment-
I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and
only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one
around your scrawny little neck and choke the life
out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find
water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not
matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or
that you hate me, threaten my life and call me
infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any
of that. If you continue over that hill to the east
for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It
has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you
need...Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate ISIS staggered away
over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead
and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!

You must admit...you never saw that coming!

[Chick_Maggot]

Your momma is so fat, when she jumps for joy she gets stuck.

[Lee Stewart]

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

[Charley Lillard]

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

[Lee Stewart]

Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table!

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"


They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.


"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

[Mr70]

.

[Vern B]

Which of the following names are you familiar with?


1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
















You had trouble with #5, didn't you?




You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers,
thieves, loose women and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??

[Lee Stewart]

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."

God told Adam He was going to make him a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

"An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history....!

[Lee Stewart]

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"



"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."



"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"



"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.



"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"



"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."



The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"



"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."



"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"



"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."



"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"



"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."


Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?


"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

[Mr70]

.

[Lee Stewart]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a homosexual.

[earntaz]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young airman finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been cooped up here in Thule, Greenland, for more than 11 months now, without any leave. Reindeer asses are beginning to look pretty good to me right about now. I have one stripe; it's 0230 hours in the morning, the temperature is minus 40° F, and my job is to pump shit out of an aircraft."
"Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind, Sir?" :flag: :flag: :flag:

[Lee Stewart]

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

[earntaz]

Haaa -- good one!!

[earntaz]

THE OSTRICH !

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right ... Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say." :wink:

[earntaz]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Louisiana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar ... He never did any of that shit. :headbang:

[earntaz]

Old age ain’t for wimps ... but it beats dying young.



Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!" :haha: :haha: :haha:

[earntaz]

We must stay alert for these indicators

This is what all of us 60+ year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.

[PeteLeathersac]

'

Someone asked Hilary Clinton if Harvey Weinstein's behaviour was similar to that of her husband.
She replied, "close but no cigar".
:crazy:
~ Pete


.

[earntaz]

Oooooooohhh ...

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/vunlx2h49/screenshot_5390.png (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- A bible

- A silver dollar

- A bottle of whisky

- And a playboy magazine.

I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, "I'll see which object he picks up".

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eyes, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

"Lord have mercy." the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

[Lee Stewart]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

[Lee Stewart]

The young newlyweds of very prestigious parents were promised a Million dollar endowment by their parents with the instructions that in order to collect it they must remain unimpregnated for 1 years. They agreed and thought between themselves, for that sum of money they could resist but after just 2 months of abstinence the lust had begun to wear on them, but they persisted and remained chaste. But by the 6th month, they were beginning to lose their restraint powers and went to speak with the attorney and explained their plight and he asked them why they didn't use a birth preventative method like a prophylactic and by the look they gave back he became aware that they knew nothing about this. So he explained that they go to a pharmacist and purchase some condoms. He advised them to read and pay close attention to the usage directions and follow those instructions exactly, and they would be able to enjoy the sexual benefits of their marriage without fear of becoming pregnant. He emphasized the need to follow the instructions precisely. About 3 months they returned to the lawyer very upset and infuriated, screaming at him, that she was now with child, and as such, they would no longer be entitled to the endowment. The lawyer asked if they followed the directions as listed because, if they had, she would not have become impregnated. They insisted that they followed the directions exactly, the lawyer baffled requested that he accompany them home to observe how they went about their preparation, They took the attorney back to their home, he told them 'now just go about it like he wasn't there and do as they usually did 'The young wife hopped into bed the husband took the condom out of it packing read it carefully then placed it neatly on the piano and proceeded to plow the lovely awaiting young wife. The lawyer screamed 'what the hell are you doing' why did you put the condom on the piano? The young man said " I followed the directions exactly as stated, I carefully removed from the packaging so as not to tear or puncture the condom then 'as per the instructions' I then went to put it on my organ, but we don't have an organ so I put it on the Piano.

[earntaz]

The Cardiologist

A Ford motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from an engine when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his work shop.

The doctor was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey doc, do you want to take a look at this?"


The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So
doc, look at this engine.

I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and replaced anything damaged and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when
you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic:

"Try doing it with the engine running!"

[Lee Stewart]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yelled, I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asked, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yelled, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there was an enormous burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going, Little Johnny?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[earntaz]

Be very careful around New York cabbies!

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why
he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy - to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married
and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

[Lee Stewart]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you MAD!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife"

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied:

"That's okay, It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

[Charley Lillard]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
​Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. ​
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year--that these windows would pay for themselves in a year
"It's been a year, so they're paid for ​"
I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Lee Stewart]

An old man and woman are sitting around their apartment and the man decides to breach a sensitive subject. All their married life he has had to pay for sex with his wife and it has finally gotten the best of him.

He says, "Why have I had to pay for sex all these years?"

To which she responds, "See that apartment complex across the street? We own it!"

The guy is astonished!?

She continues, "See those two little strip malls over there? We own those too!"

The guy can't believe it.

She says, "See that string of fast food restaurants? We own those too!"

The guy is noticeably shaken and his wife says, "What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy?"

The old man says, "Well, I am, I just wish all these years that I'd given you all of my business!"

[earntaz]

God's Plan For Aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom ... TAZ

[earntaz]

A couple drove their car to the store, only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. :rolleyes2:

[Mr70]

.:CharleySucks:..socks.

[Lee Stewart]

A tip for Christmas:

Wrap a bunch of empty boxes and put them under the tree. Every time your kids act up get one and throw it in the fireplace.

[Lee Stewart]

A Texan died and ascended into Heaven.

St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You will certainly enjoy Paradise."

The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise."

St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter.

The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."

Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere...picture perfect! "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"

The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."

Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.

The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never ever been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".

At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down.

As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door opened, it revealed the fires of damnation in Hell. St. Peter said, "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"

The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."

[earntaz]

Hhaaaaa -- truth and a good one!!

[earntaz]

For you folks who like the old stuff -- todays History lesson.

Railroad Tracks

The US. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important! Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything.

Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?

NOW YOU KNOW.. :flag::flag:

[Charley Lillard]

https://mail.aol.com/webmail/getPart?uid=31577592&partId=1.2.6&scope=STANDARD&saveAs=mime-attachment55.jpg

[Mr70]

.

[earntaz]

Little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. Little Johnny asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
Little Johnny replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
Little Johnny said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds!" and went back to reading his book...
Little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/3xbw400q1/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

https://mail.aol.com/webmail/getPart?uid=31581383&partId=1.2.3&scope=STANDARD&saveAs=image01095554.jpg

[Keith Seymore]

Snowman for sale; needs repair

I've seen worse. That'll buff out.

K

[John Brown]

Got these in an e-mail just a bit ago.....


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was..
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'

[earntaz]

All good John -- HeHeHe ... TAZ

[Lee Stewart]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[Lee Stewart]

https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/25550287_969296206553935_2569436827149893530_n.png ?oh=0a3dd88edeedd5cb2f16ce7b21125e60&oe=5AD23F61

[Lee Stewart]

https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/26047251_1580113698742051_1263285191290508164_n.jp g?oh=86a338b9e0bdf2c23fb7c0c1af15935b&oe=5AB50C22

[Lee Stewart]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[Lee Stewart]

In the morning Tom calls to his boss:

- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss replies:

- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Bob calls:

- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

[Mr70]

.

[earntaz]

Ever wonder why it takes 6 months to get an appointment with a
Psychiatrist?

What a morning……

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two
snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies
are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed
because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I
mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded
and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up
trouble at this sensitive time.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/5cuzb7jgp/image.jpg (https://postimg.org/image/5cuzb7jgl/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/oupmrm695/ere.png (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/63nph2e55/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/kzm8oozuh/eew.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Keith Seymore]

If Men Designed Houses Alone

I'm not sure why you would need a bathroom...

(lol)

Here's mine. It's "uni-sex" and self cleaning.

[earntaz]

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[mssl72]

:haha::haha: Nice TAZ!!!

[earntaz]

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am almost seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.........

She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[Dave Rifkin]

How to Stop old People from bugging you about getting married:

Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same to them at funerals.

[Lee Stewart]

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:



* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Direct Marketing.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."



That's Advertising



_____________________________





* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Telemarketing.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Public Relations.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."



That's Brand Recognition.



______________________________





*You're a woman and you're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.



That's a Sales Rep.



______________________________





* You're a woman and your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.



That's Tech Support.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you are on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"



That's Facebook.



______________________________





*If you are a man and secretly disclose a list of names of those women who are fantastic in bed,



That's "Insider Trading."



______________________________





* You're a woman and you are at a party; this attractive wealthy older man walks up to you and grabs you.



That's Bill Clinton



______________________________





* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.



That's America!

[Lee Stewart]

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.



He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,



'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'



His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse’



‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.



A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

[Vern B]

> Subject: YOU'RE IN THE ARMY

> NOW Fifty-one years ago, Herman
> James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his
> first day in basic training at Fort Polk, Louisiana, the Army issued
> him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
> his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
> the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the
> Army issued him a jock strap. As of this week, the Army has been
> looking for Herman for 51 years!
>

[marxjunk]

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/bbftmv8m1/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

[Charley Lillard]

https://mail.aol.com/webmail/getPart?uid=31595905&partId=1.2.6&scope=STANDARD&saveAs=1efe6b.jpg

[Charley Lillard]

https://mail.aol.com/webmail/getPart?uid=31595905&partId=1.2.7&scope=STANDARD&saveAs=1efe7a.jpg

[Lee Stewart]

https://s18.postimg.org/90ora8vix/download_1.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

https://s18.postimg.org/cx236b13t/download.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

https://s18.postimg.org/nwnahvh89/download_2.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Keith Seymore]

"...clean underwear..."

I have a racing buddy who lost part of his ring finger in a shop accident.

Naturally, he wasn't planning on going to the hospital that day, so he had on some old underwear that had a bunch of holes in it (/them?).

When he got to the emergency room he had to get a tetanus shot first thing. The nurse asked him to pull his jeans down, and then commented "...well, at least I don't have to ask you to pull your underwear down..."

K

[Charley Lillard]

.........

[Charley Lillard]

50 Shades of Grey for Seniors

Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . . "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

[Lee Stewart]

My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine's Day she’s getting a magazine rack!

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/945289_10153340211435665_1891628103251290742_n.jpg ?oh=2491346e5197006cc92e2623e0ec034a&oe=5B24FFF1

[Lynn]

True story:

So, after my surgery, I had to wear a catheter for 30 days. Fun.

We still had the grandsons every other Thurs afternnon, overnight and all day on Friday.

They will be five on Sat. Pics attached from last spring.
The first time they were over and saw the foley bag, they were very inquisitive. I told them it was full of pee and blood from my surgery.

Two weeks later, Brian asks: "Now what is in that bag?" I told him it was my pee, and a little bit of blood from my surgery. Showed him my six incisions, and explained that I was still healing. I explained that I did not go pee like they did. I just went to the toilet, held the bag over it and opened the valve. Explained that the tube went up inside me into where my pee comes from.

Brian had a funny look on his face, and then asked: "Do you still have a penis?"

Charley is correct: children always speak their minds.

[earntaz]

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist.

[Charley Lillard]

.....

[Mr70]

.

[mssl72]

Nobody will steal that wheel!

[marxjunk]

but wheres the bike it was attached too?

[PeteLeathersac]

'

:beers:
~ Pete

.

[mssl72]

There it is!

[427.060]

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a
possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles
the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What
in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald duck!"

[Crush]

That was good!

[NorCam]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

[427.060]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.



Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied...."Divorce attorney.”

[Lee Stewart]

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her:

"Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Abe said: "Screw him."

[earntaz]

There were two nuns, one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the
other one as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½
minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty.....

Say two Hail Marys and be logical and forward this to your friends!

And the Moral of the Story is:

LOGIC BEATS MATH ANYTIME.

And Math cannot survive without Logic.

[Lee Stewart]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'

[parkbrau]

:naughty:

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/qz40ymneh/Mx_BIs_Xm.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/fq7gs0dih/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

70+ year old ones - read this

This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to getup even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

Send this to your children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts. :blush::blush:

[parkbrau]

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death." He turned around and said "So, you want me to stay?"

[parkbrau]

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was... a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/3kz9e1de1/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

An Irishman's first drink with his son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer … so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky ... He wouldn't even smell it -- What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!! :beers::beers::beers:

[earntaz]

Happy St Paddy's Day from Texas....

Paddy, the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local
pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle
of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there
is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers
that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer
from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound
of a Texas State Trooper siren and brings his car to a stop. The Trooper approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer cripes sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!" :dunno:

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/tn50d0a55/untitled2.png (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/wh85q5u89/untitled.png (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/yn2gkm7yh/image.png (https://postimg.org/image/4v5e5fl51/)

[Lee Stewart]

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell!"

[Lee Stewart]

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

[Lee Stewart]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete Dick.”

[427TJ]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He quietly asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and whispered with a quiet laugh, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I’ll bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

Everyone in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, "I study law and I know how to screw people."

[John Brown]

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Paul, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.org/evzasrs3t/1-126.jpg (https://postimg.org/image/h0jntutqd/)

[earntaz]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

His doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and it couldn't be found."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops...

[marxjunk]

^so effin true

[Lee Stewart]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[earntaz]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 84-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went dead.

[parkbrau]

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's

birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes

over to the counter.



A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,

"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"



He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."



She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.



He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel

and 10-LB. test line.



It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only

$20.00."



She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it

dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit

card drops on the floor.



Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up

and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then

realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.



The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."



The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod

and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"



He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is

$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

[mssl72]

:haha::haha:

[Craig_Maiorana]

HAHAHA I need to remember not to fart in Bass pro ... They may try to sell me a moose call

[Lee Stewart]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”

[earntaz]

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy:

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below...

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

[earntaz]

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex, I am cold and chilly; but then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am hot and sweaty.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, "Well, your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”
"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is in January and the second time is in August."

[Lee Stewart]

Two old Irish men are drinking in a bar.

One says, Did you know that Elks can have sex 10 to 15 times a day?

Aww damn! says his friend and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!

[Lee Stewart]

A man and woman were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "No, Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

[427.060]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without s.x for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

[earntaz]

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?, he asked..

'That's the best part, St. Peter replied, you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your stupid bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'


KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN'T IT? :haha::haha::haha:

[Lee Stewart]

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuqin' ear. "

[Canuck]

Who make up the worlds worst Golf Foursome?

Storey Daniels, she is a hooker.
O.J. Simpson, he is a slicer.
Ted Kennedy, can't drive over water.
Bill Clinton, can't remember which hole he played last.

[earntaz]

Who make up the worlds worst Golf Foursome?

Storey Daniels, she is a hooker.
O.J. Simpson, he is a slicer.
Ted Kennedy, can't drive over water.
Bill Clinton, can't remember which hole he played last.

OMG -- so true ...

[earntaz]

A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out,

Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'*

*Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Mam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'*

*The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere'*

*The clerk is astonished.*

*'Your husband's name is Crisco?'*

*The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we’re out in public'*

*'I see,' said the clerk.*

*'What do you call him at home?'*

*'Lard ass.'*

*I love old people!*

[Lee Stewart]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.


"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[earntaz]

An inventor of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/n2330a6jt/image.jpg (https://postimg.cc/image/fyv7ko145/)

[Lee Stewart]

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’.....

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

[earntaz]

A very caring and sentimental man...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... 'I would have gotten out today.'

[earntaz]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it ... or if need be mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/6gw0l9prt/image.png (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him... .

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
“Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife replies, “The ass had a paper route.”

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/6ondg97ah/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

[Mr70]

Ha!

[Lee Stewart]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

[Lee Stewart]

The minister began his Children’s Sermon with a question,

“Who knows what a Resurrection is?”

Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.”

The pastor is still laughing.

[earntaz]

Text message to neighbor:

Hi, Fred, this is Hank, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably more frequently than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you

Regards, Hank

Neighbor’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Hank, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Hank.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred, Hank here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”
Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

Regards,
Hank

[Charley Lillard]

CROWS..... THE CLEANERS OF THE HIGHWAYS / For North America
http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610379.jpg


http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610380.jpg











http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610381.jpg











http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610382.jpg











http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610383.jpg











http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610384.jpg











http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610385.jpg











No one made you keep reading....

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/4lz3dk4mx/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/3rvud1lk9/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

So. you’re looking for humor at a funeral?

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral. A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life........

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry ... I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist!

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/nwugftoc9/doityourself.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Lee Stewart]

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

[Lee Stewart]

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

[Lee Stewart]

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

[earntaz]

I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and, with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had..

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who would not mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important medical information!


“LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM”

[Lee Stewart]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it . . . . .

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[earntaz]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was also good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word, fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny proudly said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried. :cool2:

[earntaz]

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

“It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

“Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too."

[Lee Stewart]

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

[Lee Stewart]

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by Staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next Morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250..00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.

“It's a Nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight Stay! I didn't even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is The ‘standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are Available for use.” “But I didn't use them,” she said. ”Well, they are Here, and you could have,” explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel Shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the World over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn't go to any of Those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter What amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn't use it!” and The Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes Discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and Gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But madam, this check is for only $50.00.” “That's correct. I charged You $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn't!” exclaims the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I Was here, and you could have.”

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/re6asdn6x/AAx_Zc_Pu.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/yhe6800c9/AAx_Zfj_W.jpg (https://postimg.cc/image/pmdbxhbjp/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/3zybggsex/AAx_Zfk4.jpg (https://postimg.cc/image/ea0qfpiad/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/ezjis35zd/AAx_Zr_Be.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/dx9c9k2ll/AAx_Zum_W.jpg (https://postimg.cc/image/z6wykeiw5/)

[Lee Stewart]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/uoqixhzex/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/nksxcx9q1/image.jpg (https://postimg.cc/image/ppdae0bcl/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/h0w46sffd/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

Visiting one of those new Physician's Assistants can be traumatizing...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. Let me see the problem."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to an AA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/b1s5vghyh/image.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING -- OR AT LEAST SMILING!!

[PeteLeathersac]

'

Sorry if posted previously?
:beers:
~ Pete

.

[earntaz]

Thought you'd enjoy this! This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly a mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!


I've never seen a better explanation than this formula...how true it is.

[earntaz]

I used to play poker regularly...

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day, and both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The Angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The Angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The Angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately stated: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and got admitted to Heaven!

Could you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are!" :beers::beers::beers:

[parkbrau]

Here it is.

[earntaz]

Not a JOKE -- but what the past was like ...

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day The older lady went on to explain: Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass-young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tic us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

[earntaz]

A blond lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blond, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blond .

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blond's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blond walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blond. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

[earntaz]

Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" :beers:

[earntaz]

Georgia ... The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana ... A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana”.
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi ... The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina ... A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee ... A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Florida ... The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign on that pole in front of you.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

[Lee Stewart]

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the wifi password?’

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'

Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'

Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap.'

Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'

Bartender: '$8.00.'

Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?'

Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst". No spaces and all lowercase.'

[Lynn]

Texas Aggie #1: Hey there man, what you got in the bag.

Texas Aggie #2: Live Chickens.

Texas Aggie #1: If I guess how many there are, would you give them to me?

Texas Aggie #2: Sure; if you guess both of 'em.

Texas Aggie #1: OK; five.

[earntaz]

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol:

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”

[mssl72]

Good one TAZ!!! :haha:

[earntaz]

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f…...n' ear." :beers: :flag::flag:

[Xplantdad]

Lol!

[Mr70]

.

[John Brown]

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.


The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F17 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level.

The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

[Lee Stewart]

The rain was pouring down. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart aleck, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man.

[earntaz]

AIRLINE FOOD - A TRUE STORY?

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening AER LINGUS flight from Dublin the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement...

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.."Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came four hours later...

“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

GOD BLESS THE IRISH! :beers::beers::beers:

[Lee Stewart]

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

[Lee Stewart]

Two friends are walking their dogs -- a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua -- when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.

“A Dalmatian?”

“Yes, they’re using them now.”

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.

“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

[Lee Stewart]

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"