joke

[Too Many Projects]

Everett posted this pic over on Camaros.net


That's about the truth of business, isn't it ??!!

[downunder1]

https://i.postimg.cc/ydgMNjk3/00d.jpg (https://postimages.cc/)

That is down here in New Zealand.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/0y8Q2P4S/00.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Keith Seymore]

That's about the truth of business, isn't it ??!!

They missed a couple folks.

I don't see any specific groups dedicated to tracking and reporting Dave's progress.

K

[ohhawk]

Nothing like dinner on the deck in Feb in Duluth (our grandson)..............

[m22mike]

.

[Mr70]

... :)

[Lynn]

Posted on camaros.net

[Lynn]

Posted on camaros.net

[Lynn]

Definition of "youtwitface"

Guy who double posts on a thread.

[Too Many Projects]

Definition of "youtwitface"

Guy who double posts on a thread.


As the poster, you can, hit the edit button and delete one of them.

[mssl72]

But then we can't call them "youtwitface"!:wink:

[m22mike]

Lynn
This computer stuff is hard :confused2: don't be to hard on yourself

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/x1pZLxpC/00r.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lynn]

As the poster, you can, hit the edit button and delete one of them.

But then it wouldn't be funny.

[Lynn]

Lynn
This computer stuff is hard :confused2: don't be to hard on yourself

I posted, and it never showed up. So I posted again, and they were both there.

I should have gotten one of the 8 year old grandsons to help me.

[Too Many Projects]

I posted, and it never showed up. So I posted again, and they were both there.

I should have gotten one of the 8 year old grandsons to help me.


We have had our son, who is now 24, always set up any remotes and cell phones, because we could take hours to get thru it and he is of the "thumb generation" and flies around the keyboards and then hands it to us and says, "there ya go".

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/brwYNB4H/1c.jpg (https://postimg.cc/KkCh0JGR)

[427.060]

.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/kg4wypcL/00e.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[427TJ]

Something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:-

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking British Airways," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"British Airways?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it........"



A month later, the woman again came in to the hairdressing shop. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"

[m22mike]

.

[427.060]

,,

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/SQMfkTkp/GEHGfYE.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Burd]

:blush:

[Lynn]

This video is too funny. I realize it is on a website that most consider far right. I do not support either the far right or the far left. The video itself is apolitical.

The lesson? Make sure you know all the facts before you fly off the handle and accuse others of wrong doing.

Enjoy: https://www.louderwithcrowder.com/woman-car-gas-pump

[m22mike]

Poor Mr Tater head :shocked:

[Too Many Projects]

Poor Mr Tater head :shocked:


MORE unacceptable PC crap, erasing history. They had a MRS. Potato head, why do they now need a gender neutral Potato head ??

How are they going to reproduce and continue existing ? :shocked:

[Billohio]

Might be next

[Burd]

My side still hurts from laughing. Lol
Jackie Gleason comes to mind, HOW SWEET IT IS.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/kGdySDRn/00.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Burd]

:bs:

[Too Many Projects]

https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.php?img=https%3A%2F%2Fi.postimg.cc%2FkGdySDR n%2F00.jpg (https://postimages.cc/)


AND, which you now have to PAY $35 to take a carry on with on VACATION too !!! Frikken airlines suck. We don't all live like Jack Reacher when we travel...:wink:

[Burd]

:smirk:

[parkbrau]

..

[bbbentley]

Ha

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/QCNVZGZ1/zz1.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[John Brown]

https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/03/1.jpg?w=500&ssl=1

[John Brown]

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."


Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

[Burd]

:blush:

[ohhawk]

From a Texas restaurant.........

[m22mike]

.

[parkbrau]

Yup.

[parkbrau]

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer.
2. Police telling me everyone is dead.
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking.

[parkbrau]

„911, What’s your emergency?“
I just got robbed at the Shell gas station!
911, Do you know who did it?
Yeah, pump #8!

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/nr9cwwnY/00.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/31bded3561fbfbf96c8c88a7afb6dfba55814d69c0c0c56a16 c30c4a4970482f.jpg

[Too Many Projects]

https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.php?img=https%3A%2F%2Fuploads.disquscdn.com% 2Fimages%2F31bded3561fbfbf96c8c88a7afb6dfba55814d6 9c0c0c56a16c30c4a4970482f.jpg


I learned how to fix that years ago. Just cut it in the middle and weld a 1" extension in between....you'll be fine....:headbang:

[Too Many Projects]

https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.php?img=https%3A%2F%2Fhosting.photobucket.co m%2Fimages%2Fq752%2FStillwaterchevs%2Fimage-2.jpg%3Fwidth%3D450%26amp%3Bheight%3D278%26amp%3Bc rop%3Dfill

[Mr70]

.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/ZK4nbvx3/000.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/G2Ng4NX4/ab.jpg (https://postimg.cc/TLVJSkMx)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/447FDf3V/BB1fgY6B.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/h4T18fjy/bbf.jpg (https://postimg.cc/23jWrjnh)

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/be3825d53669d9c7d846650b0ed2e39489b8c34708de19b8a9 a86e76a0631987.jpg

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/156674a2e75447b5e1f5a3484c843ceba5f5222595672112a4 c2224cf19c201b.jpg

[SMS]

Hope they got his plate number.

[Too Many Projects]

Hope they got his plate number.

It's personalized...
MOONSHINE
:grin:

[John Brown]

https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/04/IMG_4374.jpeg?resize=768%2C869&ssl=1

[Too Many Projects]

Suppose that's where Rowling got the idea for the Whompin Willow ???
Gum tree in Australia and the Falcon is even right hand drive.

[m22mike]

.

[A12pilot]

Is that a Stage 3 hush kit installed too, Mikey?:3gears:

Cheers
Dave

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/85255ccc58c7493a122f0cae07470017accf1c78d724d9fd04 306d8820718c4b.jpg

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d240918cd4095b85c87a5ef49b75839671d60a88c1c58501fc 452d0afcfe4d58.jpg

[John Brown]

http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2d20a7f5a30a1b3b6e8d81e8a01d9787938d50a97390e365d9 8579fcd58d741f.jpg

[parkbrau]

.

[Too Many Projects]

JEFF GORDON FIRES PIT CREW


Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Biden’s scheme to employ
Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits, however, Gordon got more than he bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud.

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/41735fe73231a0f9a68bb1b079e891137377418fdb59dd8336 330cb0eb649809.jpg

[John Brown]

http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e0163102fea744326c875387e75899d7501a15c2f0b95713c5 a51f138eafe37a.png

[Too Many Projects]

https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP. tPLj5egQbTe45jYESzvZ3AHaFi%26pid%3DApi%26h%3D160&f=1

[L_e_e]

Well, I got my first shot today, it wasn't too bad at all.
In fact it, it was so easy I decided to get my second shot today as well.

........as soon as the bartender gets back.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/rpgVBky6/01.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Too Many Projects]

https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.php?img=https%3A%2F%2Fi.postimg.cc%2FrpgVBky 6%2F01.jpg (https://postimages.cc/)


That must be Martin Molin's bathroom...:headbang:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvUU8joBb1Q

[427.060]

Leaving the Store, I couldn't find my Keys. They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gav...e them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years...

[Lynn]

Guy picks up a genie bottle on the beach. Rubs it… sure enough a genie pops out.

“I will grant you any wish you want” says the genie.

Man: “Don’t I get three wishes?”

Genie: “No: that’s just in Hollywood. One wish.”

“Well, then, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but am deathly afraid of planes and boats. So, I want a highway from LA to Hawaii.”

Genie: “A highway to Hawaii??? You have got to be freakin kidding me. Do you have any idea of the logistics involved? What about shipping lanes? Is there anything else I can give you instead?”

Man: “OK, I will let you off the hook if you can tell me how a woman’s mind works.”

Genie: “Two lane or four?”

[Too Many Projects]

Genie: “A highway to Hawaii??? You have got to be freakin kidding me. Do you have any idea of the logistics involved? What about shipping lanes? Is there anything else I can give you instead?”

Man: “OK, I will let you off the hook if you can tell me how a woman’s mind works.”

Genie: “Two lane or four?”

https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.php?img=https%3A%2F%2Fhosting.photobucket.co m%2Fimages%2Fq752%2FStillwaterchevs%2Flaughing.gif %3Fwidth%3D450%26amp%3Bheight%3D278%26amp%3Bcrop%3 Dfill :biggthumpup:

[WILMASBOYL78]

Got this today from one my cronies...

[hiperf406]

https://www.yenko.net/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=194150&stc=1&d=1620439427

[Mr70]

...

[parkbrau]

.

[Burd]

😂

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/XJjvQYHP/000.png (https://postimages.org/)

[Too Many Projects]

Bob feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den.


He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens. ’


Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,


'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks,
'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'For God’s sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[olredalert]

----Boy, does that hit close to home.....Bill S

[Keith Seymore]

I just got new hearing aids a few months ago, at my family's urging (and after seeing the test data for myself).

So far, from what I can tell, the only things I couldn't hear are:

a). A lot of high frequency hashy fan noise
b). The dishwasher beeping at the end of its cycle.
c). My wife's speaking voice

K

[Too Many Projects]

----Boy, does that hit close to home.....Bill S


What's that you said ???

High frequency hearing loss since infancy from pneumonia. Didn't have a clue until I was inducted into the Army in 1971. Failed for hearing loss, medical exemption.

Keith, I have hearing aids too, but wear them very limited times because of hearing too much background noise. I still don't hear high frequencies, because the ability isn't there, not just diminished...:frown:
The tinnitus seems to get worse with age and the ringing can drive me nuts at times now.

[olredalert]

----I have had hearing aids for the last 5 or 6 years. Couldn't do without them when you have a wife with no patience. Probably racing related, but who knows with all the cherry bombs and other stupid stuff kids do. What mine really help is with the treble, as I can at least hear most of the base stuff without them......Bill S

[Lynn]

You guys are really bringing me down. This is supposed to be the joke thread.

I came here for a laugh. Now I am worried that I may be next. So far, I am blessed. My mom has had chronic hearing issues for 50 years, as did her mother. Two of my three brothers have severe hearing loss. Guessing it is probably inevitable.

Any Arkansas guys on here? My in laws live in Arkansas. Finest folks you ever met in your life. They roll with the punches when I tell Arkansas jokes. So, back to our regularly scheduled program.

What lives in Arkansas and has 28 teeth?


A family of four.


What is the first question on the Arkansas bar exam?



When two people get divorced, are they still cousins?


I enjoyed it when Ram Air Dave was on the site. He lives in North Little Rock. Every time I told an Arkansas joke, he would tell an Okie joke.

[Keith Seymore]

You guys are really bringing me down. This is supposed to be the joke thread.

I came here for a laugh. Now I am worried that I may be next. So far, I am blessed. My mom has had chronic hearing issues for 50 years, as did her mother. Two of my three brothers have severe hearing loss. Guessing it is probably inevitable.



I'm sorry, Lynn. I didn't mean to bring you down.

It's just I did think it was funny that, in all the situations I find myself in, and of all the sounds on the earth, and all the humans on the earth, the only sound of any consequence I can't hear is my wife.

Given this newfound piece of data, one might conclude that one could SIMPLY ASK THAT ONE PERSON TO SPEAK LOUDER, or, in addition, NOT TRY TO CONVEY CRITICAL FAMILY OR SOCIAL INFORMATION WHILE STANDING IN THE UPSTAIRS BEDROOM CLOSET while I am on the main floor in the kitchen CLEANING UP MY OWN DAMN MESS, as I was gently reminded.

Alas, as any older married man might guess, it is not a viable strategy.

K

[Too Many Projects]

WOW, isn't that the truth. My wife has known for 29 years that I have difficulty hearing her meek, quiet voice and she STILL will ask me something from the other end of the house ...:crazy: And then complain that all I ever say to her is WHAT ??!!

Such is life and I am thankful she's a very patient person who puts up with my idiosyncrasies. Life goes on.:biggthumpup:

[Lynn]

No apologies necessary. My "bringing me down" quip was more tongue in cheek then serious. That's just one of the problems with expressing oneself with a keyboard in a limited time.

[Mr70]

....

[Burd]

😎

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/BnGxFnXF/2.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/rwC5N2rP/2a.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/MG9Rg0t0/2szp6a.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Too Many Projects]

https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.php?img=https%3A%2F%2Fi.postimg.cc%2FMG9Rg0t 0%2F2szp6a.jpg (https://postimages.cc/)


Not legal to drive on a public road with that either. I know a guy that lost his license permanently for too many DUI's, so did the same thing. Drove his lawn tractor the 6 blocks to the bar. Cops were waiting when he left and arrested him for DUI AND no license. He was driving on the shoulder, still part of the roadway.

[PeteLeathersac]

'

Same here, an old friend who's gone now drove his lawn tractor to the convenience store and was charged with care and control of a motor vehicle while intoxicated also driving w/ a suspended ticket.:no:
:beers:
~ Pete

.

[earntaz]

Had a farmer friend in Wisconsin drove his tractor to his local watering hole in the evening ... LEOs were not amused. :thumbsdown::thumbsdown:

[BCreekDave]

Not legal to drive on a public road with that either. I know a guy that lost his license permanently for too many DUI's, so did the same thing. Drove his lawn tractor the 6 blocks to the bar. Cops were waiting when he left and arrested him for DUI AND no license. He was driving on the shoulder, still part of the roadway.

Yep, anything with a motor-engine, and I hear they are discussing putting electric bikes on the list too.

[Burd]

Take the sidewalk to the courthouse.

[Burd]

[QUOTE=Lee Stewart;1548921]https://i.postimg.cc/BnGxFnXF/2.jpg (https://postimages.cc/)[/QUOTE


The last time I parked a semi on my box it crushed it lmao.
I made my tool box.

[Too Many Projects]

https://hosting.photobucket.com/images/q752/Stillwaterchevs/cheating_wife_joke.jpg?width=1920&height=1080&fit=bounds

[Too Many Projects]

https://hosting.photobucket.com/images/q752/Stillwaterchevs/drunk_next_door_joke.jpg?width=1920&height=1080&fit=bounds

[John Brown]

http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0702293ed5de71d044145b3058a524efde1f163ca20e60927f d1d8781c4d9bc5.jpg

[Burd]

😎

[Burd]

🤩

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a557eb1476ff6ba0da627dd58c4e1f8d53742b68365e8c545f 4b2cea3c06fa12.jpg

[m22mike]

Kind of funny how this was worded 57 years ago :naughty:

[John Brown]

http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1b16673b84bfe089b8a3b5318eea19b035ff12ebec1a4a27c7 d85dd1bd7d6e32.png

[Burd]

😀

[John Brown]

http://ace.mu.nu/archives/barn%20find.jpg

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b39e7a94b5105d0fecda72ba03eb9aea5adac9334e5a32eaf9 88707eb765454b.jpg

[Lee Stewart]

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/kgCjQ3t5/0.jpg (https://postimg.cc/SJZ74Pd0)

[hiperf406]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about
to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead
in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex
before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old man!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the
bottom then."
She didn't jump..........

[John Brown]

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell
that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

[Burd]

😀

[NorCam]

A GM mechanic was removing a cylinder head from an LS6 motor when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"


The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?


The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned in, and said "try doing it with the engine running" :smirk:

[Burd]

A penguin was eating a ice cream cone while driving to work, all of a sudden steam came out from under the hood, he had it towed to a local dealership for repair, the service manager said, it looks like you blew a seal, the penguin replied, no it’s ice cream.

[Lynn]

Chimpanzees tell it really well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9ETlTZoF1E

[Too Many Projects]

https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.php?img=https%3A%2F%2Fhosting.photobucket.co m%2Fimages%2Fq752%2FStillwaterchevs%2FMAXINE_REST_ YOUR_MIND.png%3Fwidth%3D1920%26amp%3Bheight%3D1080 %26amp%3Bfit%3Dbounds

[John Brown]

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says. “We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – Very tall, long eyelashes. and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says. “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says. “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

[SMS]

.

[Xplantdad]

LOL and the rear profile is the same as the trash can!

[John Brown]

Her: Get your stuff and get out! Don’t ever come back!

Him: OK. I’m leaving.

Her: I hope you die a slow painful death!

Him: So… you really want me to stay?? :dunno:

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/FzcHgPJc/000.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[SMS]

.

[John Brown]

https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/07/Screen-Shot-2021-07-12-at-12.46.43-PM.png?resize=547%2C600&ssl=1

[Too Many Projects]

I guess this IS rocket surgery for me...what the heck is the red hat ???

[Mr70]

Fez hat.
Pheasant.

[m22mike]

Fez

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/DfR5Mymn/hobo1.jpg (https://postimg.cc/0rdp6vpB)

[John Brown]

I guess this IS rocket surgery for me...what the heck is the red hat ???

It's a Fez..... :smirk:

[Too Many Projects]

It's a Fez..... :smirk:


I thought they were something for Shriner's, but after looking them up, seem to have/had a much deeper meaning to people in other countries.

Living in my, relatively, small world of cars and trucking for so long has left me ethnically and geographically challenged..:confused2:

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/63DvhDPW/Pics.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[SMS]

.

[Xplantdad]

Is-Isn't
Was-Wasn't
Fez-Pheasant


:)

[parkbrau]

So it begins..

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/SR4CjhZj/download.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[427TJ]

:biggthumpup:

[WorkinProgress]

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the freeway coming home from shopping. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/JzncMv33/5448-min.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Calix Lee]

https://i.postimg.cc/JzncMv33/5448-min.jpg (https://postimages.cc/)

LOL, this gave me a good laugh just when I was about to go to bed. :3gears:

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/NMRSjLDy/00.jpg (https://postimg.cc/zbX0dz95)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/tJyfZyvB/00.jpg (https://postimg.cc/vgqXCRsn)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/DyvH7vXZ/00.jpg (https://postimg.cc/MXLdD8t2)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/g2r76g4b/00.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/qqkbBwgY/00.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Too Many Projects]

https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.php?img=https%3A%2F%2Fi.postimg.cc%2FDyvH7vX Z%2F00.jpg (https://postimg.cc/MXLdD8t2)


After you have dealt with lowballers at swap meets for years...

1 headlight ?
Yeah
$50,000
Say WHAT ??
You get the rest of the car for FREE !! Part it out yourself.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/6c/3f/c3/6c3fc31181f7882d9c2abe23cfbb0aed.gif

[Lee Stewart]

Poor Joe Green. He made some very bad investments using borrowed money. When the bill came due he didn't have it. So they took his house. His wife was so angry she divorced him. He was fired from his job. He wound up on Skid Row.

Some time later, huddling under his cardboard abode, he hears a knocking sound. He sticks his head out and there stands a well dressed man holding a briefcase. "I used to dress like that."

"Are you Joe Green?"

"Yes I am, who are you?

" I am the lawyer for your Uncle Henry's Estate. He left you $500 in his will" and proceeds to hand Joe five crisp one hundred dollar bills.

Joe is flabbergasted! It has been quite some time since he's held that much cash in his hands. "What shall I do with it?"

So he starts to think. Maybe blow it on a booze party with his buddies. But he can't get the rid of his minds eye image of the lawyer. "I know! I'll buy a new suit."

So he goes two block over to Canal street where the tailors do business, walks in and proclaims; "I am here to buy a $500 suit" and throws down the cash to show he is serious. The head taylor looks at him and tells him, maybe he should spend a little of the money and get a shower, haircut and shave. Then come back to get measured. It will take less than a day to cut his new suit. So off he goes and returns two hours later looking human again. "Much better, now lets get you measured." It's now 11 AM. "Come back at 5PM, your suit will be ready.

Joe is so excited. He looks like a successful person and once again dresses like one. Let's see what his buddies think of him now.

"Hey Jimmy, how do you like my $500 suit?" Wow Joe that looks great on you. But I see your right pants leg is a little longer than the left, so if you just bend over a bit and grab the material on your thigh and pull it up - that's it! Now they match."

OK - no big deal, the tailor can fix it tomorrow. A lttile further he runs into Sammy. "Hey Sammy - it's my new $500 suit!." Holy cow Joe that looks fantastic but it looks like the shoulders aren't evenly hanging down your arms. Why don't you tilt to the right - that it's - much better."

Now Joe is pissed, the pants aren't even, one shoulder is higher than the other. "Cripes, I must look like Quasimoto from the Hunchback of Notre Dame." Right back to the tailor first thing in the moring.

As Joe is hobbling down the street he passes two Nuns. One turns to the other; " that poor cripple." And the other one says "but oh how his suit fit!

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/pLW3TyKS/download.jpg (https://postimg.cc/gn7gtzSy)

[Mr70]

......... :)

[Too Many Projects]

Isn't THAT the truth...:rolleyes2:

[parkbrau]

.

[bbbentley]

Joke

[SMS]

.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/GmfhmvPj/download.jpg (https://postimg.cc/mPQGdz5c)

[bbbentley]

Joke

[parkbrau]

Smart kid.

[John Brown]

Get ready for it.....

https://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/09/IMG_4823.jpeg?resize=600%2C524&ssl=1

[Lynn]

"I'll be Bach."

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8773019e2caeabb1bca725b9e048ff745d94bb4d7b5f961631 c62bbee6308fca.jpg

[John Brown]

https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/10/IMG_4872.jpeg?resize=452%2C600&ssl=1

[John Brown]

http://ace.mu.nu/archives/10%2011%2021%20br0ught%20to%20%20(1).jpg

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/brQdC1m8/0.png (https://postimages.org/)

[parkbrau]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

[Lynn]

Two buddies are out golfing at a rural course right next to a farm. On the third tee, one of them hits a horrible drive, slicing it clear over into a field where a farmer is plowing. The ball strikes the farmer in the head, knocking him from his tractor which just keeps moving along in the field. The golfers go over to inspect the damage only to find the farmer has passed on.
OMG, says the one guy, what are you going to do? The fellow who hit the errant shot looks down at his hands cupped together in a simulated air grip, and says: “I think I need to move my right thumb a little bit to the right.”

[Mr70]

Todays' The Day.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/k5bZ7bDh/download.jpg (https://postimg.cc/nsnTkM4v)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/mDWnkgHZ/download-1.jpg (https://postimg.cc/5Hpgk1gD)

[Too Many Projects]

Oh, that is going to hurt...:smirk:


https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.php?img=https%3A%2F%2Florenberg.files.wordpr ess.com%2F2020%2F11%2Fb15edc34-6a4a-4519-8bf3-c3e5e35c5b08.jpeg

[parkbrau]

For sure.

[SMS]

.

[parkbrau]

Yes you do.

[John Brown]

https://media.gab.com/system/media_attachments/files/092/166/229/original/f4855a58c37f4770.jpg

[CanCOPO]

If that isn't Canadian...NOTHING is

[SMS]

.

[Too Many Projects]

https://mcusercontent.com/34dcfc0a91102ec1b8f40af94/images/60f6ea15-bbdd-495f-25c9-dd55ae43b9cc.jpeg

[parkbrau]

Crazy.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/YSyvD0yJ/0.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Too Many Projects]

Remember, next time you hate your life, it's all about perspective.

I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time.......

yet complains about how much he hates prison.

[Too Many Projects]

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently
attending a church service at their retirement village.


About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen
and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed
it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think
I should do?"

Frank scribbled back:


"Put a new battery in your hearing aid." :laugh:

[Too Many Projects]

Ole and Sven were fishing in Minnesota when Sven pulled out a cigar.



Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[Lynn]

Warning: Adult Content.

Mods feel free to delete if this is too risque'

This is the story of Corky. Corky was a regular guy in almost all respects. You see, the reason he was tagged with that nickname (Corky) was the unusual shape of a certain appendage. Yes, his johnson was shaped like a cork screw.

His entire adult life, he felt frustrated. He just didn’t think he fit in; at least not a snugly as he thought it should be. The frustration continued for years. He heard rumors of a gal in the deepest part of the jungle in Africa that had a ... hmm, shall we say a certain body part peculiar to females that was... you guessed it, shaped like a cork screw. At first he just dismissed the rumors as folk lore. Come on, what are the odds? After reading an issue of National Geographic at the Doctor’s office one day, he was convinced; she really did exist. Surely this was his soul mate.

He books plane fare to an unidentified Country in Africa. He does some investigating, and finds out where this fair maiden lives. He has to go by train for 6 hours. Then he uses a private tour guide in a Land Rover for another 4 hours. The last two hours is by foot. He also goes to the expense of getting an interpreter.

Eventually, he finds the village and identifies the girl. He and his interpreter start the difficult task of delicately broaching the subject of joining in holy .... something. Unbelievably, she is just as frustrated as him. She is game. They discuss logistics. Harness? What else are we going to need?

They come up with a plan, and the blessed evening is finally here. Then, to Corky’s surprise....










Wouldn’t you know it? Left hand threads.

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/231e866ed2aebc68791b5d0bd107c6242284468db67f3cccc4 0f401c19263f51.jpg

[Too Many Projects]

https://hosting.photobucket.com/images/q752/Stillwaterchevs/Ay0YK7lQjolgFRCd.jpg

[Too Many Projects]

https://hosting.photobucket.com/images/q752/Stillwaterchevs/7818d4c0f8009676.jpeg

[John Brown]

Carjacking attempt failed because of horn button wired to make sounds of gunfire.

https://twitter.com/NeceHorn/status/1524162110569074688?

[olredalert]

----Oh, John. That's the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. How nsmart is that guy!....Bill S

[Lynn]

rue story, circa 1979 or 80. I am working in an independent shop after leaving the Buick dealer. Worked with a guy in his 70s named Roy. Everyone called him Grandpa. Crotchety old guy who ALWAYS spoke his mind.

Young customer brings in his Blazer for an oil change. The oil change tech drains the oil and lowers the car to the ground. The customer puts a quart of some kind of Teflon impregnated lubricant (maybe TefGuard??) on the fender.

Roy is walking by and sees the TefGuard; walks over and picks it up. Looks straight at the kid and says: “what the hell is this?” Kid starts telling him all about this miracle lube that is going to make his engine run better, get better mileage, and last longer. Roy says: “who told you to put this in that motor?” Kid is a little stunned, and says: “well, my dad said to use this.” Says Roy: “Well he doesn’t know chit!!! If you are going to put this in there you may as well just back up and pi$$ in it.” Turns and walks away.

Roy was always good for a laugh.

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ead30c0c1a649b75255242b1a0650e37403803e4674c448b32 9eb9a7235b27b7.jpg

[Lynn]

What did Ted Kennedy say to Gary Hart during the 1984 primary campaign?

You get the girls; I'll drive.

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1927b5a2777adc206db2425bb57563d7c62576f9fabb9102d7 3f3a0b6bbee77a.png

[Mr70]

... :)

[Mr70]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!" :)

[Steve Shauger]

.

[Too Many Projects]

I hope I NEVER get that old...:laugh:

[Lee Stewart]

Gilberto is driving on a lonely backwoods road one night when his Lexus suddenly quits on him. Not being mechanically inclined, Gilberto sits in his car nervously, trying to figure out what he's going to do.

As he sits motionless, he catches something emerging from the bushes at the side of the road. Suddenly, someone knocks on his window, and when Gilberto turns, he sees an enormous Great Dane standing on his hind legs.

"Pop the hood," says the dog.

Thunderstruck, Gilberto just stares with mouth gaping at the enormous animal.

"Pop the hood," repeats the Great Dane.

Thinking of no alternative, Gilberto does as he's told.

The dog starts to work on the engine, and then says, "Start the car."

Gilberto tries the ignition, but nothing happens.

The Great Dane ducks back under the hood and tinkers some more. A minute later, the dog asks the man to try starting his car again. This time, the engine turns over.

Seemingly satisfied, the Great Dane firmly closes the hood and trots back into the roadside bushes.

Baffled, Gilberto drives until he finds a gas station sometime later. Seeing an attendant, he says, "Holy geez, you're not going to believe this, but I have to tell someone. My car died and this giant Great Dane came out of nowhere and fixed it."

The attendant goes pale as if he had seen a ghost. "Man," he says, "you have no idea how lucky you are."

"Why?" asks Gilberto.

"That dog isn't a mechanic," explains the attendant carefully. "He only patches tires."

[Lee Stewart]

Len walks into an auto parts store and says to the man at the counter, “I’d like new air freshener for my Yugo.”

The man thinks for a while and finally says, “OK, deal...that's a pretty decent trade.”

[Lee Stewart]

Marco is on his couch watching Monday Night Football when his wife, Jocelyn, comes into the living room.

"Babe," she asks, sweetly, "can you please take out the trash?"

"Seriously?" says Marco to his wife. "Do I look like a garbage man to you?"

Jocelyn sighs and leaves her husband to his TV.

By the third quarter, the game is really tight. That's when Jocelyn comes in again and says, "Babe, the outside light isn't coming on. Can you try changing the bulb?"

Annoyed, Marco responds, "Really now...do I look some household electrician?"

With that, his wife leaves him to watch the game.

The next day, Marco comes home from work and Jocelyn tells him, "Oh, I saw Trey from across the street and asked him to fix the light outside. It's working now."

"Trey?" says Marco, suspiciously. "He doesn't do anything unless he gets something in return. What did he ask for?"

Jocelyn says, "He said I could either sleep with him or make his favourite cocktail."

"OK. So what drink did you make him?"

"Honey," says his wife, "do I look like a bartender to you?"

[Lee Stewart]

Phil and Earl had been best friends for decades and they both live to their late 90s. One day, Phil falls deathly ill. Earl visits him on his deathbed, and they reminisce about their long friendship and their lifelong passion for baseball.

As they’re thinking back to games they’ve attended, Earl says, "You know Phil, when you die, can you do me a favor? I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

Phil smiles weakly and responds, "Of course, Earl. I'll let you after I get there."

A short time later, Phil is gone.

Earl is out walking in a park a couple days later when he hears Phil’s voice coming from the sky. The voice says, "It’s me, Phil. I made it and I've got some good news and some bad news for you, Earl. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"That’s wonderful!" beams Earl. "What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Thursday."

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/htkWSRjs/0.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[SMS]

.

[CanCOPO]

St Peter

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/eb9e875deccb683eeac58653f1ed25784e30836893994b1c5d 5e69483a4d4ce0.png

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/697368349633823f70f245f30a655ec42619437ba5df0963c1 0d057357257767.jpg

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/11b6c4350dcebef966ff7365ca99ee604addf1434cbb533755 10a3110329374a.jpg

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6886c3a118f1e5953e0d4b3f982f26bf3ab7606ce46c0fc3e7 2d7db0b674d341.gif

[John Brown]

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Commandments for Seniors...

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

Your people skills are fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it does muffle the sound.

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d578483136d65c7fc511077dd52fd3368d415cdd8f9231b522 2981812b455d8e.jpg

[427.060]

I recently spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5a848a86cb87a5beb76a2ef24450e0d6d10b8da850294c48a9 52939ebedbf961.jpg?

[parkbrau]

Yup.

[SMS]

The Art Collector




A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and

asked to speak to his client.


"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."


The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so

let's hear the good news first."


The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed

me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that

she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million.. and I

think she could be right."


Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is

A brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I

know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"


The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[gredert]

funny joke

[Denis]

I went to the zoo.

All they had was one dog.

It was a shitzu.

[dykstra]

I’m officially an old crotchety bastard! Stay off my lawn!!:burnout:

[Too Many Projects]

But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours??? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male Pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her Sister owned the store, there were NO Male employees. She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist.?? She assured me that she was completely Professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of Professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,“This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it” ??? The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.”When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do...
Free room and board...
1/3 ownership in the Store...
a Company Car...
a King Size Bed,

and $2,000 a month in Living Expenses

[Lynn]

True story.

Back in the 70s a friend and his wife just finished watching a documentary about male prostitutes in Germany. The pros were getting paid $5 a pop (so to speak).

He jumps up from the couch and says: “I know where I am going.”

Runs into the bedroom and starts packing.

Wife: “Where the hell are you going?”

H: “I am going to Germany to be a male prostitute.”

Wife throws a suitcase up on the bed and starts packing.

H: “Where the hell are you going?”

W: “I am going to Germany and see how you live on $5 a month!”

[dykstra]

:headbang:

[Too Many Projects]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRJwLn4q9CM&ab_channel=BradUpton

[Mr70]

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race for the first time and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey,that he entered it in another race,where it won by a wide margin.The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was upset with this kind of publicity,so he ordered the Pastor to not enter the donkey in another race.The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
That was too much for the Bishop,so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.The Pastor then decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.The local paper posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.He then informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,so she sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
The infuriated Bishop then ordered the Nun to buy the donkey back,and let it loose in the country where it could roam wild.The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

They buried the Bishop the next day.

[TimG]

That is hilarious ��

[Lynn]

Old farmer gets a visit from the new kid at the County Extension. Kid is all excited because he has all kinds of new techniques to teach the farmer about how to increase production on his farm

After letting the kid go on for about 30 minutes on all the latest techniques and gadgets, the farmer stops him and says: "Son, you don’t understand; I am ALREADY not farming as good as I know how."

Moral of the story: Farm as well as you know how. Now!

[Mr70]

.................................. :)

[dykstra]

:biggthumpup:

[Lynn]

Probably a necessary evil, but...

[Mr70]

................. :laugh:

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/N0my6DFk/1a.jpg (https://postimg.cc/GB3hrkk4)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/gJKn50vw/1.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Keith Seymore]

Learn to play banjo

I should share that, the only job I've ever had besides GM (and the one I have now) was teaching 5 string bluegrass banjo in a music store, when I was in High School.

K

[Lynn]

................. :laugh:

I worked on a car back in the 70s that intermittently would blow the accessory fuse.

There was a dime in the cig lighter.

[dykstra]

:headbang::headbang:

[Lynn]

I miss my grandfather.
The wonderful stories he used to tell, all the things he taught me about tools, and all the little projects we used to build together.
I can still hear his last words..
"Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard!"

[SMS]

I should share that, the only job I've ever had besides GM (and the one I have now) was teaching 5 string bluegrass banjo in a music store, when I was in High School.

K

Well brother, thank you for your service. ;)

Still irritating people for 51 years.

[John Brown]

.

[Mr70]

:) You'll go Down in....

[parkbrau]

HA

[John Brown]

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ac81cac38ec547175ffc433587a8b141cbcebf8685628b319b bf1bb00b96eebd.jpg?w=600&h=376

[67since67]

:naughty:

[roadster]

#

[WILMASBOYL78]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied:

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow, I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally, she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to apply for the Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!' So, I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

[427.060]

You are not going to believe this. I ordered Chinese takeout from a local place (won't name them but not in town) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what on earth is that. Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the box of pork fried rice!
I thought it's got to be a rat, or a mouse, or something, so I carefully pulled the bag open...
And there it was ... ... A Peking Duck!!!
Just a little laugh for today.

[WILMASBOYL78]

You are not going to believe this. I ordered Chinese takeout from a local place (won't name them but not in town) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what on earth is that. Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the box of pork fried rice!
I thought it's got to be a rat, or a mouse, or something, so I carefully pulled the bag open...
And there it was ... ... A Peking Duck!!!
Just a little laugh for today.

Orange sauce?? :smirk:

[427.060]

Too funny

[roadster]

* * *

[Dave Rifkin]

Why does a Chevrolet driver always look like he's ready to fight? Because every time he opens the door, he's trying to escape from his Chevrolet. :laugh:

I don't get it.

[427]

R0IlN4ENKiA



https://youtu.be/R0IlN4ENKiA?si=vng9Q2itUOR2lRdg