joke

[Lee Stewart]

You are from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones.

16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside and you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

[John Brown]

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!" replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"

"That one was a Democrat", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

[Lee Stewart]

remember this is posted as humor and not intended otherwise.

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[Charley Lillard]

https://youtu.be/n6mbW-jMtrY


great video

[Mr70]

Raccoons wash their food before eating it,so they gave em cotton candy.. LOL

eesxH2-8Jlo

[markinnaples]

A mushroom walks into a bar, bartender says get out, we don’t serve your kind in here.
The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi”

[earntaz]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!” :beers::beers::beers:

[parkbrau]

Subject: Golf Relationship.
It's so easy to fall in love



Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. When they got back home, he immediately started asking her out.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Lee Stewart]

MISSING PERSON Report

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck

[earntaz]

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut ... then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

"The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

..... Love the Dad's reply!

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

[earntaz]

Hmmmmmm…might be more truth than fiction?!!!

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/p34xrd9gp/BBN1bb_A.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/et2is7jm1/BBN1d_YD.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/7puncmw6x/BBN186_U.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/ehl2eyxvt/BBN0_ZUz.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/r8z8lzn8p/BBN1d_Zj.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://s26.postimg.cc/d2jhqs78p/BBN1bcg.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddagh duff,
Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard.
"We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O'Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O'Flynn.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[earntaz]

Apparently I’m banned from the local Walmart. They've kept good records on me I guess!! I'm okay with that though!

I just received this letter from Walmart’s corporate office:

Dear Mr. TAZ

Over the past several months you have caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: You took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: You set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: You made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: you walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: You went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: You moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

8. August 18: When a clerk asked if they could help you, you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called...

9. August 21: you looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose.

10. August 26: While handling guns in the hunting department, you asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. Aug 28: You darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. Sept 3: In the auto department, you practiced your ‘Madonna look' by using different sized funnels.

13. Sept 5: you hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, you yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.Sept 6: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. Sept 7: You went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out

There is such seriousness in the world, I share these as we could all use a laugh. :headbang::headbang::headbang:

[427.060]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to crap yourself" chili. Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the
next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and
even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know
what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement
2". espite habanera peppers swimming their way through
my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create
the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door
neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a
local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in
search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go"
pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were
staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way
through the small intestines, forcing their way into
the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of
which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile
odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
lower part of my body, and I began to move up the
aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see
what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium
that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it
unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm
sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply
watched as she walked into an invisible, and
apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her
arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry
bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then
made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With
each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my
nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing
off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming,
and I raced off through the store towards the
restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating
above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO
BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in
the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and
Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
"Sonofab....!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my
shopping when a store employee approached me and said,
"Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink
bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the
vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual
gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an
accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that
there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I
consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop
at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because
we are in court over the whole matter. They claim
they're going to have to repaint the store...

[Lee Stewart]

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[Lee Stewart]

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

[earntaz]

Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble ... but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you fall in love with someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?

[Mr70]

If you a own shoe and live in Wisconsin,the Green Bay Packers would like to talk with you.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/j2RrTm09/image.jpg (https://postimg.cc/zb2QSdfS)

[Vern B]

A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.


He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."







This e-mail (including attachments) may contain confidential and/or legally privileged information, including information subject to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), and is intended solely for the use of the addressee. If you receive this e-mail in error, please delete the e-mail and any attachments from your e-mail system, destroy any copies, and contact the sender immediately. If you are not the intended recipient, sender hereby notifies you that any use, distribution, copying, or storage of this message or any attachment by you is strictly prohibited.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/y6k55RF4/rwe.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Mr70]

Last 5 seconds is one of the funniest lines ever.

ljLD88Z4CCA

[Lee Stewart]

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, "You got to sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously everyday and sure enough he lived to the right old age of 96.

He left behind four children, eight grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[goernie28]

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to install the light bulb and three to complain that it's electric.

[earntaz]

The Coyote Principle
CALIFORNIA

• The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

• The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

• He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

• He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

• The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

• The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

• The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

• The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

• The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.

• PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

TEXAS

• The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

• The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

• The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/JhJmnfk6/dd.png (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/PJfkSNF9/yyy.png (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/8P5SWJvr/BBQ8d03.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/kGDYnX7R/gttg.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

Subject: Hillbilly Striptease
















Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.


Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.


Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"


"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..


"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

[Charley Lillard]

......

[earntaz]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady another drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[Lee Stewart]

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/BZ7s3s5F/fdd.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[wheelhop]

A man steps into a confessional and confesses to the priest that he had sexual relations with 13 women last nite.
The priests says, oh my god my son are you married?
The man says no, I'm not even Catholic, I just had to tell someone!

[Lee Stewart]

THE ORIGIN OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE ANGEL

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[earntaz]

A balding, white haired man from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile

[Lee Stewart]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "if you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "you do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

[Lee Stewart]

The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he told them. To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy." The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."

[earntaz]

A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.

The counselor asks, "What's the problem?"

The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniels and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.

She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down. How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?"

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."

[Lee Stewart]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of
Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to
know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a
scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we
will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and
hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[John Brown]

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read:

*** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.

The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along w/his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his FREE SEX.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed ‘2’ this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was ‘3’. You were close, but no FREE SEX this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away FREE SEX."

Bubba replied, "No. it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

[olredalert]

----I hope my new year' resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

[earntaz]

Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked more like a Sumo wrestler than woman.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH AN OLD RETIRED GUY

[earntaz]

I was eating breakfast with my teenage granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is it tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman’s Day!"

She's pretty smart, so I asked her, "What does that mean?"

I was not ready for what she was about to say, and she replied, " U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the Capital Building and see their shadow, and we have 2 more years of Bullshit."

Do you know how much it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose

[Mr70]

From an old TV show.. :D

PGMUGjlV5HU

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/gjWT1Xv0/uikt.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Billohio]

My dad heard this over the weekend and thought I would share.

Lady goes to a pet store and sees a beautiful parrott that was on sale. The shop owner goes over and asks if she needs help. The lady says, he is beautiful. The owner told her that he was rescued from a brothel and sometimes says things that he shouldnt. She thinks about it and for the price she decides she could tolerate some bad language.
She takes the bird home and the first days is fine. The next morning she comes in to greet the bird and he says theres the madam. She thinks well that isnt so bad. Later that day she walks in the room with her daughter and the bird screams, theres the madam with a girl. She laughs and goes on. Later that day her husband comes home and walks into see the bird. The bird got all excited and said hi Jerry!!

[markinnaples]

Man asked his wife at breakfast, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half, and then leave you."

"Great," he said, "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."

[Lee Stewart]

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[earntaz]

A crusty old Navy Master Chief found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation:
“Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
"Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his medals and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well! There you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955.
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”
The Chief said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”
(Gotta love military time!)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/g23dBw5w/ty.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/3RxDZNpP/ttt.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[m22mike]

:haha:

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/FKmmhLwf/tyuut.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Big Block Bill]

A Guy goes to the Dentist to get a tooth pulled. The Dentist tells him to sit in the chair and gets the needle to give him Novocaine and he says: "No needles Doc, I don't do needles". so the Dentist gets the gas mask and he says: "No Doc I can't do mask's, I'm claustrophobic and I'll pass out" So the Dentist says: "Here take this Viagra" The Guy says: "I didn't know Viagra is used in Dentistry"? The Dentist says: "It's not, but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!

[earntaz]

Humor for seniors ~~~

Late one night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe
you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember
that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped
cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?':dunno::dunno:

[Lee Stewart]

1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza, are you happy?

3. How to prepare Tofu:

a. Throw it in the trash

b. Grill some meat, chicken, or fish, or even better, a burger and fries.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

[Lynn]

Needs no explanation, but I guess I have to type something.

[Lynn]

Ditto

[Lynn]

Ditto #2

[earntaz]

More humor for seniors ...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[earntaz]

And more humor for seniors ...


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said.

'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.':no:

[Lee Stewart]

A State Trooper pulled an 87 yr old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her drivers license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit. Taken back, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession. She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console. The shocked trooper asked if that was all and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse." Finally the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of..? and the little old lady smiled and replied, "Not a damn thing."

[earntaz]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting
married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Nah, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/GhxzHNfQ/89y.jpg (https://postimg.cc/kBDWHjq6)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/T13zrmgw/ll.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/RV8kHWFS/ergerge.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/8P8tqhx8/nbf.jpg (https://postimg.cc/grDVh6Y4)

[earntaz]

A Texas rancher walks into a bank in New York and asks for a five thousand dollar loan for a month. The banker is uncertain as he thinks the Texan is a pure redneck. He says, "Would you happen to have any collateral?"
Texan says, "Yep. Got that Ford F-250 parked across the street, worth about 70 thousand all decked out that way."
"Do you have a clean title on that."
"Yep."
"Well," said the banker, changing his tune, " I don't see why we shouldn't be able to loan you the money, sir. May I ask why you need the loan?
"I drove up here from my ranch out round Abilene and suddenly have a need to fly over to Es-pan-ya to look at some An-da-lu-tian horses. Need some pocket change."
"Well, Mr. Tucker, for just a month we won't even need to put a lien on the title. Just leave us the truck and we'll hold it for you, as hard collateral, until you return."
"That'll be just fine," said the Texan as he handed over the keys.
The banker handed over the money within ten minutes of minor formalities.
One month later the Texas returned, paid the five thousand dollars plus the month's interest of twenty eight dollars. As the Texan took his keys and they brought his truck down from the garage, the banker said, "Just curious, sir. When I ran a credit check on you it was clear that you are a wealthy ranch and oil man. You didn't really need this loan. So why did you borrow the money?"
Texan says, "Where else am I gonna park an F-250 in New York for a whole month for just 28 bucks?"

[muscle_collector]

is it legal to post a little off color and politically incorrect jokes on here or will you get in trouble?

[Lee Stewart]

is it legal to post a little off color and politically incorrect jokes on here or will you get in trouble?

I would recommend cleaning up any off color jokes, as in stay away from 4 letter words - you know which ones I mean. And I would not post political jokes.

Scan back a few pages - you can get a feeling for the kinds of jokes that are posted on this thread.

[muscle_collector]

figured I should ask. don't want to offend anyone on here.

[Mr70]

A Ford,a Chrysler and an AMC owner walk into a bar...

[earntaz]

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art -- It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

[TMagda]

wishing well

[earntaz]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days passed, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that ... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
careful.' :naughty::naughty::naughty:

[Lee Stewart]

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen? “There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please.“
They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Tampa," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from New York. They’re waiting for Happy Hour, drinks are half-price.

[Mr70]

This really is a joke.

[muscle_collector]

in desperation it will work.

[earntaz]

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face ... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I
stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

[Lee Stewart]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/QttzTm0r/BBVjwj6.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama

[Lee Stewart]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

[m22mike]

Hope I git some chocolate bunnies.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/660qqcN9/ytg.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[earntaz]

https://i.postimg.cc/660qqcN9/ytg.jpg (https://postimages.cc/)

hai ...

[Lee Stewart]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/90h4TD09/hhyh.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Keith Seymore]

Why men shouldn't write advice columns

That can't be real.

He didn't even ask if the car was carburetted or fuel injected.

K

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/RCc6Tk75/untitled.png (https://postimg.cc/hhttD3Zp)

[Lee Stewart]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car
and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..

(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/sgYShDFQ/huov.jpg (https://postimg.cc/bZvsXPwp)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/mrJLwV8n/fff.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

.

[Mr70]

Always bank on the old Math..LOL

Nlfa5v3ullg

[muscle_collector]

that is so confusing. how do any kids learn that crap.

[m22mike]

WT# was that :frown:

[70 Forest Green Zee]

139171

[earntaz]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/kgbGnn6y/AAAZa5t.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

......

[Mr70]

..

[lbnaz]

I'll bet you didn't know this!

Many of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before
the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something. Who invented this sensor?
I'll bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM; how about Chrysler? No? Then how about
Mercedes Benz, or possibly the French or Italian car manufacturers?
No.

It was a Japanese farmer named Kawasaki.........
His invention was simple and effective.
It emits a high-pitch squeal just before the vehicle itself backs into something.

Here's his first prototype.. . Click Here

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-esGe0xRKPq4/VFHFxp4tzDI/AAAAAAAAF_I/wDtZm2PXI0A/s2560/1414645187530.jpeg

[m22mike]

:eek2:

[Billohio]

Thats hilarious. The ohio state fair used to have a big boar contest and they would get some at 1000 pounds. Poor guy would have them swing around and hit him in the side when he walked

[Mr70]

/

[earntaz]

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is:

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/tCQfqmKg/xfgg.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/SsYTqWV8/cvgh.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[Lynn]

Would like to take credit for this one, but I believe it was Steve Martin.


You know that look women when they want sex?


Neither do I.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/K8gBZjRK/IKEA-job-interview.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

A senior citizen from Port Huron, MI drove his brand new Corvette stingray convertible out of the dealership. Taking the on ramp west on I 94, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I 94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him, lights flashing and sirens blaring. He floored it to 100 MPH, then 120, then 150. Suddenly, he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the troopers arrival.

Pulling up behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is my Friday. If you can give me a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “years ago my wife ran off with a MI State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day Sir,” replied the trooper.

[Crush]

Ha!! Port Huron is 45 min from my house....!

[Keith Seymore]

Ha!! Port Huron is 45 min from my house....!

Michigan: where we measure distance in "minutes" rather than "miles".

K

[olredalert]

Ha!! Port Huron is 45 min from my house....!

----20 minutes from mine......Bill S

[Crush]

----20 minutes from mine......Bill S

Or 30 miles....

[Keith Seymore]

lol - 30 miles in 20 minutes is makin' good time.

An hour and 15 minutes for me.

K

[Mr70]

:)

[Lee Stewart]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/9F73jqPY/ugtgh.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/DZF6KCGk/nnn.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

"MEN NEVER LISTEN"

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/cHp2HMFf/56u7.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/kgBBK8C2/kjgugh.jpg (https://postimg.cc/9DHmjDr2)

[earntaz]

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp -- no one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[mssl72]

:haha::haha:

[Lee Stewart]

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work.

My parents forgot too and so did my kids. I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I was really sad because everyone had forgotten my birthday!

But then as I walked into my office, my secretary smiled and said to me, “Happy birthday, boss!”

Because everyone else had forgotten, I felt so special so when my secretary asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with her I jumped at the chance.

After we’d eaten lunch, she invited me back to her apartment and again I jumped at the chance. When we got there, she asked, “Do you mind if I just go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“No problem, I’ll just wait here,” I said.

Five minutes later my secretary came back out of the bedroom with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”…

While I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

[Lee Stewart]

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/t4FxkRNd/43952897-2397659646962753-5700698255050932224-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[m22mike]

:haha::haha::haha:

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/0Q24sykD/tyy.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Mr70]

Yep! :D

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/Kvky5czP/df.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/bJyXzDGc/7r6.jpg (https://postimg.cc/p96cCdYq)

[Mr70]

Blue Oyster Cult's soundboard.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/mDbFw21L/ghh.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69481674_1728807927252452_3497276965872730112_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQnGI8b507MhJmiQWStFWtca7nuH9arm9TtCrINp5j4 jw-aI_Xz1ViriQw6wkvmARRk&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=aee2df2f195850780cfce5c095a276bc&oe=5DCBB51D

[Mr70]

Someone just sent me this asking if I'd be interested...

[Lynn]

At least you posted in the correct thread.

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-den4-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69400601_733473970439885_3923130498053832704_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQncvz16y4emL9P-nBbVdeEKGXp2i3pYuoAMFSiTXDYSgH9Mvs_oyViRwKM_xyYZWt s&_nc_ht=scontent-den4-1.xx&oh=5895ba47f466744575d796957bf02cdd&oe=5DFC7CB7

[Mr70]

Just broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend,because she was seeing someone off to the side.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/GhNrS1tW/utg.jpg (https://postimg.cc/2V4PVM4G)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/2SpMZjVS/utgu.jpg (https://postimg.cc/2Vw0pDQs)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/GpgZ9FDZ/i9ii.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Mr70]

..

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/Y9HwpHLv/yyy.png (https://postimg.cc/PL27404H)

[Lee Stewart]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....

(get ready)

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, it's funny)

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69809574_10206379870773407_8503462954572709888_o.j pg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQlChoErIal3hkJB6rw7kEV1X32ghKbo87FQ7rc8XIR c1MhyMyzhzjGdIDvH53FTlSw&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc3-1.xx&oh=d5254f7e800206d9dd920df7c7227ef3&oe=5E3959CD

[Lee Stewart]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

[Lynn]

We really are getting old. I am pretty sure that last one has already posted in this thread. Maybe not. May have just read it on another forum.

Just too lazy to go back and look at every post.

[Lynn]

Real answers for the real world.

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/68249259_2456955594362884_1819503345228840960_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQkYMNw2KpmK1xPmaP15xziRctk_DcwWNQxx8KfPRxJ CbicFw4Ox4F-D2ogrExFCCnM&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc3-1.xx&oh=cea329395438b132f1c814a76acb62e2&oe=5E33EED2

[Mr70]

How many space heaters can you plug in at once?
Answer: No more then 2..

[Lee Stewart]

Her last kiss.....

Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked,"Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/72215860_1339876359513863_5350837310109777920_n.jp g?_nc_cat=102&_nc_oc=AQkTLTF9UDHqQcnDxaK-zQoFYWsM9fSaD0Fb0rHJC8_gf5-tOC5Wwu9K86vQdUVQiDM&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc3-1.xx&oh=8a7de625f987c3b45e89fc50cbdffed1&oe=5E1BEB75

[Charley Lillard]

JOKE # 1 After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under her arm.. Her friend Joan stops her and asks, 'Hey Sharon! Whacha got the case of beer for?'

'I got it for my husband, eh.' answers Sharon..

'Oh!' exclaims Joan, 'Good trade.'



CANADIAN JOKE #3

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.



CANADIAN JOKE #4

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BUGGER!!!'


CANADIAN JOKE #5

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer.


CANADIAN JOKE #6

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter (https://smex12-5-en-ctp.trendmicro.com/wis/clicktime/v1/query?url=http%3a%2f%2fSt.Peter&umid=f4d4e9a9-6b68-4bd7-88aa-671ca0c3f825&auth=4173bb2d657a9d9e9ae4b2ea166f8eb4248ba57b-0fc447eb5717ae8bb14f4ee3f409ad19689b26c1) approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here'

'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?'

'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'


Reply Reply All Forward

[67since67]

:haha::haha: Those are good ones Charlie! My good friend Rick Mitchell from Cambridge ONT. always reminds me, when I offer him a Bud Light, "That's Not Real Beer"

[Lee Stewart]

Am I getting to that age?


I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.


A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? "


I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator."


She didn't quite know how to respond.


I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.


When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!


Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance.”


The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.


I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.


Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.


Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

[Mr70]

.

[m22mike]

:haha::haha: Those are good ones Charlie! My good friend Rick Mitchell from Cambridge ONT. always reminds me, when I offer him a Bud Light, "That's Not Real Beer"

And he's right..all light beer is gurl beer :naughty:

[Lynn]

And he's right..all light beer is gurl beer :naughty:

X2.

[L16pilot]

"I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.


A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? "


I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator."


She didn't quite know how to respond."

Reminds me of a true story that happened several years ago. As one of several regional sales managers for a large corporation, we would all gather annually with upper management for a territory review. One of my former co-workers, (Canadian), was reviewing his region with management when the account North River Boats came up. The manager asked "what do they produce?" and without hesitation, the regional manager replied "bicycles". After a brief silence, the room burst into laughter. I miss that guy.....

[Mr70]

..

[Lee Stewart]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd, sure enough, get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

[Charley Lillard]

The Man Who Gave Up Sex for Golf


A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.





Just then, some stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"




Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!




Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."




The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"




Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.





On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Could winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”




"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.





As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."




“Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley.”

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/8kmP66L0/rtyt.jpg (https://postimg.cc/YjjHcjn6)

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73422561_2828828597182363_6266452173576470528_n.jp g?_nc_cat=100&cachebreaker=hd&_nc_oc=AQnEt7eNN0MLe7LAIRtJGJ8aZZvZuSbdnkmyaECMVgz H6_L4kvAAxxvCodo6WyNMe58&_nc_ht=scontent-lax3-1.xx&oh=5b80bdb439a8d1f3dd62a6c8b1478367&oe=5E4F3DB7

[Mr70]

.

[Charley Lillard]

https://apis.mail.aol.com/ws/v3/mailboxes/@.id==VjN-V5e08rF5qVEIzvKqFzSAYQ0SSS289PsXHNb4IaVyEHp7McIRrY DSYUcO7pNhJqiy-OZtZrw2rULBXQ-scIJXZQ/messages/@.id==AAIRzW9GzZSEXclg2AlaiB99MY4/content/parts/@.id==2/thumbnail?appId=aolwebmail&downloadWhenThumbnailFails=true&pid=2

[Mr70]

..

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/j596NHFh/567.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

.....

[Charley Lillard]

......

[Charley Lillard]

....

[Mr70]

//

[Charley Lillard]

.....

[70 copo]

Lyrics: Johnny Cash-“one piece at a time”

Well, I left Kentucky back in '49
An' went to Detroit workin' on a 'sembly line
The first year they had me
puttin' wheels on cadillacs
Every day I'd watch them beauties roll by
And sometimes I'd hang my head and cry
'Cause I always wanted me one
that was long and black.
One day I devised myself a plan
That should be the envy of most any man
I'd sneak it out of there in a lunchbox in my hand
Now gettin' caught meant gettin' fired
But I figured I'd have it all by the time I retired
I'd have me a car worth at least a hundred grand.
I'd get it one piece at a time
And it wouldn't cost me a dime
You'll know it's me when I come through your town
I'm gonna ride around in style
I'm gonna drive everybody wild
'Cause I'll have the only one there is a round.
So the very next day when I punched in
With my big lunchbox and with help from my friends
I left that day with a lunch box full of gears
Now, I never considered myself a thief
GM wouldn't miss just one little piece
Especially if I strung it out over several years.
The first day I got me a fuel pump
And the next day I got me an engine and a trunk
Then I got me a transmission and all of the chrome
The little things I could get in my big lunchbox
Like nuts, an' bolts, and all four shocks
But the big stuff we snuck out
in my buddy's mobile home.
Now, up to now my plan went all right
'Til we tried to put it all together one night
And that's when we noticed
that something was definitely wrong.
The transmission was a '53
And the motor turned out to be a '73
And when we tried to put in the bolts
all the holes were gone.
So we drilled it out so that it would fit
And with a little bit of help with an A-daptor kit
We had that engine runnin' just like a song
Now the headlight' was another sight
We had two on the left and one on the right
But when we pulled out the switch
all three of 'em come on.
The back end looked kinda funny too
But we put it together and when we got thru
Well, that's when we noticed
that we only had one tail-fin
About that time my wife walked out
And I could see in her eyes that she had her doubts
But she opened the door and said
"Honey, take me for a spin."
So we drove up town just to get the tags
And I headed her right on down main drag
I could hear everybody laughin' for blocks around
But up there at the court house they didn't laugh
'Cause to type it up it took the whole staff
And when they got through the title
weighed sixty pounds.
I got it one piece at a time
And it didn't cost me a dime
You'll know it's me when I come through your town
I'm gonna ride around in style
I'm gonna drive everybody wild
'Cause I'll have the only one there is around.
[Spoken] Ugh! Yow, RED RYDER
This is the COTTON MOUTH
In the PSYCHO-BILLY CADILLAC Come on
Huh, This is the COTTON MOUTH
And negatory on the cost of this mow-chine
there RED RYDER
You might say I went right up to the factory
And picked it up, it's cheaper that way
Ugh!, what model is it?


Video: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=18cW_yHo3PY

[Charley Lillard]

http://gifgifmagazine.com/car-bug-childbirth/

[Charley Lillard]

.....

[mssl72]

:haha::eek2::haha:

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/SskwcH8p/hvb.jpg (https://postimg.cc/wt4fpf0W)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/rsKXMS8b/5163877156081631232-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78701763_1817715288363367_6888306233367855104_n.pn g?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQnRoC8hU-19A4q7urbPoA8O3FhhhAT5Gfa1zMKNDlXm6HJaPdx2B8lY8r2Z yXQvSQs&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=7b6fd85164e76f3507c249adba8b87d0&oe=5E704855

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/VN9d7NdG/dffg.png (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/79323309_10157082097299151_1800098992223158272_n.j pg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_eui2=AeEyi8FJFLc87IMOTEBijOtTBJHX8I223FAxBhNq3 z5cvGc6aYhfTa2ObKEh3lys_oWRKDvblG-HMGo_hOrwOUER7N6IdbEv9zZDVFu_igqz8A&_nc_oc=AQlA0Ah8Ev5733wl8GBZPZeaagHn1_fzbZQbU7Fq-K4YvI8PHJjHgshjw5rZogLU8SY&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c81b3e1f0595989f86694d0281bdef39&oe=5E795A23

[camarokiddave]

just joined ...very funny stuff in this thread, thanks

[Mr70]

.

[Charley Lillard]

......

[Lee Stewart]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

[mssl72]

Dog VS Cat personal diaries


The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

[Mr70]

..

[67since67]

..

He may have been mentored by the dealership guy who did this to my previous truck. :mad2: :mad2: :mad2:

Dumped it from the top, $28K damage.

[Lynn]

We need to quit asking: "how stupid can you be?"

They are taking it as a challenge.

[Mr70]

.

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/80820776_3453514198054886_4105686936214044672_n.jp g?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQnnfpYYfpnljo-Fw_R3KkgbAmy6oy73CnJoPSNey9QpYgr_KQg6ibc3ePREoAnAg O8&_nc_ht=scontent-lax3-1.xx&oh=d76da80afbcb8f35b89b816f506ff920&oe=5E6C13D5

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/80889646_2528214387464481_4685965171414269952_n.jp g?_nc_cat=100&_nc_eui2=AeGvOeSEjYEiHbIk7ouz5F-Qh6SQH2JEguadlcSMpN9LFRkpxGrtTRy8YHn33qrE01BXpFslp tvd1l2Y7Wx3enZErMV_RuOTVpLyd8fu4nb_yg&_nc_oc=AQl_Wldqa7XYLXXx_wAEKdNodQ2QGQ3x8zbtiIXwlR9 eTuiAcIKpWbMapTrcEKhoX7Q&_nc_ht=scontent-lax3-1.xx&oh=07c0fb2a2e7aec8a3e6cc8638a35bae4&oe=5EB223BD

[Charley Lillard]

https://ecp.yusercontent.com/mail?url=https%3A%2F%2Fscontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fv%2Ft1.0-9%2F80979427_10215296789314962_7287278054869565440 _n.jpg%3F_nc_cat%3D109%26_nc_oc%3DAQmMWTaQLlUafWey hJTYRk53PWLHMoh49iO39dTVbprL3KUThfNDojqf1dSJDUsXlv U%26_nc_ht%3Dscontent-sea1-1.xx%26oh%3Df3773d732397f3c1df7962bef98e8314%26oe% 3D5EA2AB9B&t=1577727535&ymreqid=93eb3e4b-6077-1e46-2f3c-b2000b010000&sig=.3boJUQb2ZoKtOGt9hVFKA--~C

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/81209580_2734609023252488_7587255862360539136_n.jp g?_nc_cat=109&_nc_eui2=AeGMXfrAdmbwz67_uGEwV78tFOURU1BFVsKkWC1sR yRqkyVSbmuIJzYdgD8lHuQUPuRpFauiBA1ykZcW8NfTMIR2Nj3 KUsGLsjGx-RScQnYDjg&_nc_oc=AQk3s5USuHtT9pw_Omo_8qTka72v_ReJIaMozAtfjnI hzks2h-h_H-UyvpOkTmvjOTQ&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc3-1.xx&oh=216193a07768fe66f0abdd7bd6bb911d&oe=5E998961

[Mr70]

^

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/0Qjh5LCq/ertt.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Charley Lillard]

....

[67since67]

....

Same here, but then it's only January 1st...

[Charley Lillard]

https://apis.mail.aol.com/ws/v3/mailboxes/@.id==VjN-V5e08rF5qVEIzvKqFzSAYQ0SSS289PsXHNb4IaVyEHp7McIRrY DSYUcO7pNhJqiy-OZtZrw2rULBXQ-scIJXZQ/messages/@.id==ACiI2G9hRV62XhMd0QlDGA9njQA/content/parts/@.id==14/thumbnail?appId=aolwebmail&downloadWhenThumbnailFails=true&pid=14

[Charley Lillard]

https://apis.mail.aol.com/ws/v3/mailboxes/@.id==VjN-V5e08rF5qVEIzvKqFzSAYQ0SSS289PsXHNb4IaVyEHp7McIRrY DSYUcO7pNhJqiy-OZtZrw2rULBXQ-scIJXZQ/messages/@.id==ACiI2G9hRV62XhMd0QlDGA9njQA/content/parts/@.id==17/thumbnail?appId=aolwebmail&downloadWhenThumbnailFails=true&pid=17

[Burd]

What’s funny is it’s an actual Pontiac Ad lmao

[Charley Lillard]

https://apis.mail.aol.com/ws/v3/mailboxes/@.id==VjN-V5e08rF5qVEIzvKqFzSAYQ0SSS289PsXHNb4IaVyEHp7McIRrY DSYUcO7pNhJqiy-OZtZrw2rULBXQ-scIJXZQ/messages/@.id==AMMnrcVKzVTPXhW_jgSIKJlvB0M/content/parts/@.id==2/thumbnail?appId=aolwebmail&downloadWhenThumbnailFails=true&pid=2

[Mr70]

.

[Charley Lillard]

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/84156976_10215968901915870_2873198937655738368_n.j pg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_oc=AQkSnJ2yNvC5K2o_QUbDGqIUEatlSBKFNrj34mfalMW cf2klaEsTyXa24X6-hqgUQkU&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=b2e78a3591ff346157bb842e473917fe&oe=5EC81FDB

[Burd]

Be careful for Super Bowl , watch those Coronas

[Mr70]

//

[Lee Stewart]

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

[Burd]

Lmao

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/GpqCV8C6/itit.png (https://postimg.cc/mczJFrhS)

[bbbentley]

https://i.postimg.cc/GpqCV8C6/itit.png (https://postimg.cc/mczJFrhS)

I always go along with them and let them have their spiel. When they ask for my car’s information, I act like I have to retrieve the info off the title. “I own a Ford.” , I start out. “Let me see, um, it’s a Fordor”, I’ll say. “Model says A”, I go on. “Can’t seem to find the year, hmmm...., oh, here it is, Ford, Model A 1930”....click, and the phone goes dead!

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/3w36gD1y/EQi-X1-EZW4-AIp-ANy.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Burd]

Lol

[Burd]

Lol

[mssl72]

:eek: :shocked:

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/MppCTqRJ/ur.png (https://postimages.org/)

[Mr70]

:)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/4dwjLshG/ds.jpg (https://postimg.cc/fttHk4Kq)

[Dave Rifkin]

:)

OMG I stared and stared at that damn picture and still didn't see it.

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/RCGc5my8/HWKEhMW.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Burd]

:laugh:

[Mr70]

...................;)

[mssl72]

Now that's good!!! :haha:

[Burd]

:biggthumpup:

[mssl72]

:haha::haha:

[Mr70]

.

[Charley Lillard]

Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two"

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another... A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says, "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
______________________________

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'

“That's grand,” shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
______________________________

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
_____________________________

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
______________________________

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
------------------------------------

[Charley Lillard]

Kevin phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. ˜Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
“Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
______________________________

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

[Burd]

:blush:

[Burd]

Lol

[mssl72]

For those that remember the song The Safety Dance, use the words in the picture in place of the originals!

https://i.ibb.co/YRC80vr/Safety-Dance.jpg (https://imgbb.com/)

[mssl72]

duplicate post

[mssl72]

https://i.ibb.co/PQp3nLX/IMG-0456-2.jpg (https://ibb.co/TLXpSfj)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/fLbHyb7F/BB10mU2I.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/tgSnS2K1/o36WiVF.jpg (https://postimages.cc/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/VLC9SQ3K/9ufccWi.jpg (https://postimg.cc/QHjKPPN7)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/fyxxrY76/BB11gdQd.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Lee Stewart]

https://i.postimg.cc/9QT7Zb4d/aaf0d6f6ada29969.jpg (https://postimages.org/)