View Full Version : joke
Charley Lillard
07-31-2015, 01:16 PM
http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics/usergals/2015/07/full-23-29731-att00001.jpg
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a
black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the
lake as soon as we bury his wife."
marxjunk
07-31-2015, 02:47 PM
funny...prob true somewhere in the midwest or south east..lol
dale68z
08-01-2015, 07:24 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/flag.gif
Canuck
08-17-2015, 05:01 PM
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation."Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?""Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,
"I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)
A man was sunbathing on a nude beach with his hat covering his lower section.
A nude woman walked by and snapped,"If you were a gentleman,you would've tipped your hat to me".
The man replied,"Lady,if you were more attractive,the hat would've tipped itself".
427TJ
08-17-2015, 05:39 PM
Bob Hope's last words, to his wife when she asked him where he wanted to be buried: "Surprise me."
Funny to the very end.
Keith Seymore
08-18-2015, 11:50 AM
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 427TJ</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Bob Hope's last words, to his wife when she asked him where he wanted to be buried: "Surprise me."
Funny to the very end. </div></div>
I've heard that attributed to Yogi Berra.
Maybe he was a Bob Hope fan.
Or not. If he wasn't then we certainly couldn't stop him.
K
427TJ
08-19-2015, 04:40 AM
A Drug Enforcement Administration offcier stops at a local ranch.
He talks with the old rancher and tells him, " I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs".
The rancher says, "All right, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer explodes saying, "Listen here, I have the authority of the federal government right here!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket the DEA agent pulls out his government badge and holds it in the rancher's face.
"See this f***ing badge? This f***ing badge means I am allowed to go on any land at any time without your permission or anyone else's! If I want to go in that field over there I will! Now have I made myself clear?"
The rancher nods and goes about his chores.
A short time later the old rancher hears loud yelling, looks up, and sees the DEA officer running full-speed in front of the farmer's angry bull.
With every step the officer takes the bull gains two.
Seconds before the bull catches up to the DEA officer the rancher drops his tools and stands up and yells:
"Your badge! Show him your f***ing badge!"
L72copocamaro
08-20-2015, 02:45 AM
That's great!
bbbentley
08-20-2015, 03:32 AM
An old gent strolls into a Chevy dealer and buys a new Corvette. As he leaves, he has the top down and is impressed by the car's performance. As he enters the Xpressway he gives her a little nudge on the gas. Quickly he reaches 110mph, his hair, what little there is, wisping in the wind. He says to himself,"this is great." Almost as quick, he comes to his senses and starts slowing the car down, muttering that he must be crazy to go that fast. Too late though, he sees the lights of a trooper in his rear view mirror. The trooper approaches and says, "Listen, it is Friday and I am just getting off shift and looking forward to my weekend. If you can give one good reason why you were going that fast back there, I will let you go and not give you a citation!" The old gent thinks for a second and then says, "Well, 10 years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back!!" <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/laugh.gif
earntaz
08-20-2015, 01:42 PM
HeHeHe -- good ones!
Stefano
08-21-2015, 08:29 PM
I can't even believe that you would post such a sexist joke on this forum.
I agree with Stefano. No place for that here.
So.... guy is walking down the beach, and finds a bottle. Picks it up, opens the top and out comes a Genie. Genie says he can have ONE wish. Guys says: "I thought I got three wishes." Nope, says the Genie, that's the Hollywood version; one wish, take it or leave it.
Guy thinks this over really hard. He had always wanted to go to Hawaii, but was deathly afraid of flying or traveling by boat. So, he says: "I want a highway from L.A. to Hawaii."
Genie starts back peddling. Are you kidding me? You have no idea what you are asking. That is huge. It will mess up shipping lanes, and the logistics are just crazy. Is there ANYTHING else I can give you?
Guy thinks for a minute, and says: "OK, I will let you off the hook, if you can tell me how a woman's mind works."
Wait for it....
Genie: "TWO LANE OR FOUR?"
Craig_Maiorana
08-21-2015, 11:24 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/beers.gif
Xplantdad
08-25-2015, 01:40 PM
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
earntaz
08-25-2015, 05:57 PM
omg!!!!
earntaz
08-25-2015, 08:51 PM
PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS....
There was this fellow from Mississippi, driving down I-55 South who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait....
A out of state traveler headed for New Orleans, studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he! turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
Xplantdad
08-26-2015, 01:52 AM
Nice!
Keith Seymore
08-26-2015, 12:07 PM
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS....
There was this fellow from Mississippi, driving down I-55 South who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait....
A out of state traveler headed for New Orleans, studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he! turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
</div></div>
My dad would haved like that one. He was from SE Missouri. He put "tars" on the car but the roadway was paved with "tire".
I remember when one of my kids asked me: "Daddy...why does Papaw say 'thank ya'?"
K
earntaz
08-26-2015, 12:52 PM
When the Gov decided my pay check would be delivered in Texas, we had to learn the language. Examples are as -- "Jury" is not what you would find in a court of law but rather jewelry worn by a lady. "Trays" were not something you see at Lubys but rather those tall green things with brown centers. "Tars" -- well we already talked about that. And on and on and on ... TAZ
Charley Lillard
08-26-2015, 09:13 PM
After a long day of fishing, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have a sandwich and a cold drink.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.
earntaz
08-26-2015, 09:48 PM
Absolutely copy that !!! It is pure hell at my age when the eye teeth are floatin' ... TAZ
Charley Lillard
08-27-2015, 12:28 AM
Not working?
So after a long day at work I come home to an empty house. I proceed to the kitchen where I find a note on the fridge from my girlfriend.
"this isn't working, I'm sorry but I just can't take it, I'm going to go live with my mother"
But then I opened the fridge the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell was she talking about?
earntaz
08-28-2015, 02:47 AM
I've finally found my place in life. I believe I like it!
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance (pensions).
I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
earntaz
08-31-2015, 05:53 PM
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower
than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!”
the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time”, the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Xplantdad
08-31-2015, 07:47 PM
LOL....Nice!
earntaz
09-01-2015, 02:08 PM
A bit of humor for fellow military types -- TAZ
http://undertheradar.military.com/2015/08/13-of-the-best-military-morale-patches/?ESRC=under.sm
Charley Lillard
09-02-2015, 02:39 PM
Avocados
A wife asks her
husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk and if
they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with
6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy
6 cartons of
milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
Today I watched my dog chase his own tail and thought,Wow dogs are easily entertained.
Then I realized I've been watching my dog chase his own tail.
tom406
09-03-2015, 03:18 AM
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Kentucky?
A: They couldn't find three wise men OR a virgin.
(As told by a Kentucky-born friend to me years ago....)
427.060
09-03-2015, 03:31 AM
How do you know that the tooth brush was invented in Arkansas?
If it were invented anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush.
Charley Lillard
09-04-2015, 03:52 PM
My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?”
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need ... not all this, "How did you get in my house" business!
VintageMusclecar
09-04-2015, 04:36 PM
SENIOR SEX
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
earntaz
09-04-2015, 04:44 PM
Eric -- now that is a good one!! I know those who have urinated on an electic fence ... Ooopps!
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 427.060</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How do you know that the tooth brush was invented in Arkansas?
If it were invented anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush. </div></div>
What lives in Arkansas and has 28 teeth?
A family of four.
bbbentley
09-05-2015, 02:06 AM
Two ole timers reminiscing about each of their first time sexual encounter. One says to the other, I remember the first time, I took the young gal behind the barn and dropped my drawers. His friend intently listening. I was just about to go to it with her and suddenly from around front of the barn comes her Mother and caught us. I immediately look up in surprise. Friend says, Well yea, what did she say? He answers, Moooo!
bbbentley
09-05-2015, 02:27 AM
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">When the Gov decided my pay check would be delivered in Texas, we had to learn the language. Examples are as -- "Jury" is not what you would find in a court of law but rather jewelry worn by a lady. "Trays" were not something you see at Lubys but rather those tall green things with brown centers. "Tars" -- well we already talked about that. And on and on and on ... TAZ </div></div>
Well, along this line of thought...
A young city slicker buys a farm on the edge of a small rural town. He decides he wants some animals and sets off walking to the town's General store. Upon arrival he decides to ask to buy a 'hen'. Store owner replies, "yes we have those, but you city folk are going to have to learn the right farm name. "It is a Pullet."", he says. Oh, replies the City boy. Well, I will also take a 'Rooster'. Well, fine, store owner says, "but you need to know the correct farm name is a "Cock-Bird.". Anything else says store owner? Yea, I need a Mule. Once again store owner corrects the city-boy. "That is known as an A**", and if you are going to live on a farm you best be learning the right name.", owner quips. Owner tells the man that the A** can be contrary and stop in it's path, but assured the young man all he needed to do is scratch the A** behind the ear and it would proceed. The young man gathers the lead rope for the A** and each bird in each arm and starts down the walkway back to his farm. Just then, his A** stops in it's tracks. A fine looking young Lady is approaching and the city boys stops her and asks, "Ma'am, would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my A**?"
427TJ
09-06-2015, 07:09 PM
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"
"No daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now."
(Brief pause.)
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it daddy."
"What happened honey?" he asked.
Well, mommy got scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on. He was scared too and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
(Long pause.)
Then daddy says,
"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
VintageMusclecar
09-06-2015, 07:22 PM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
earntaz
09-06-2015, 10:38 PM
Both those last two jokes are priceless ... LOL
JBALL
09-16-2015, 03:29 PM
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!! The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box.. gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday!
The Minister's Wife
After a church service,Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"
Mike doesn't like it,but being a friend,he agrees.
After the services,Mike pulls the minister aside and starts asking him all sorts of stupid questions just to keep him occupied.
Finally,the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike,feeling guilty,finally confesses to the minister..."Jack is sleeping with your wife right now,so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister smiles,puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says,"Oh you'd better hurry home Mike,my wife died two years ago."
earntaz
09-21-2015, 11:35 PM
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as you think.
earntaz
09-22-2015, 12:47 PM
A lady goes to the family doctor and tells him her husband is eating dog food – she brought a can with her and gave it to the doctor. The doctor reads the ingredients and tells the lady there is nothing in the dog food that will hurt him – it’s probably just a passing fancy or something … he should get over it and quit.
Two weeks later the lady is walking down the street and runs into the doctor, he asks “how is your husband doing?” The lady said “he’s dead”. The doctor says, “That’s impossible, there was nothing in that dog food that would kill him” The lady said, “oh no – it wasn’t the dog food -- he was laying out in the driveway licking his privates and I backed over him”.
Keith Seymore
09-23-2015, 11:52 AM
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A lady goes to the family doctor and tells him her husband is eating dog food – she brought a can with her and gave it to the doctor. The doctor reads the ingredients and tells the lady there is nothing in the dog food that will hurt him – it’s probably just a passing fancy or something … he should get over it and quit.
Two weeks later the lady is walking down the street and runs into the doctor, he asks “how is your husband doing?” The lady said “he’s dead”. The doctor says, “That’s impossible, there was nothing in that dog food that would kill him” The lady said, “oh no – it wasn’t the dog food -- he was laying out in the driveway licking his privates and I backed over him”.
</div></div>
At least he didn't run into the street chasing a poodle and get hit by a car.
K
earntaz
09-25-2015, 01:44 AM
A Clean Joke
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from a different direction.
"Hi," said the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?"
"I go to the Catholic church down the road. What about you?"
"I go to the Lutheran church up the hill."
"I'm going that way. Wanna walk together?"
"Sure."
They came to a low spot in the road where rain had partially flooded the road, leaving no way for them to get across to the other side without getting wet.
The little girl said, "If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive."
"My Mom will tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet."
"I know what to do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna take off all my clothes and hold them over my head as I wade across."
"That's a good idea. I'll do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. As they were standing in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, the little boy remarked, "You know, up until now I never realized how much difference there is between Catholics and Lutherans."
earntaz
09-28-2015, 09:40 PM
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...'
bbbentley
09-29-2015, 03:35 AM
A Sunday School class of 6 year old's is asked by their teacher, "what part of your body do you think enters Heaven first?" Susie thoughtfully answers the teacher saying, she believes your hands enter first as St. Peter is extending his hand to greet you. The teacher commends Susie for her great answer. Little Billy scrunches his face and nods in disagreement. The teacher says, "You look like you have a different answer, what do you think, Billy?" Billy says, "teacher, I believe your feet enter Heaven first!" "Well, Why do you think that is the case Billy?", the puzzled teacher asked. Billy says, "The other night I walk in on Mom and Dad and Mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was screaming, Oh Lord, I am coming, I am coming!"..."and it was all Dad could do to keep her pinned down!"
earntaz
09-29-2015, 01:01 PM
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect ... your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations ... I've changed my will three times!'
earntaz
10-20-2015, 01:43 PM
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
njsteve
10-20-2015, 02:33 PM
We have a tradition of making up limericks instead of buying birthday cards at the store. It has been a family tradition for years now and we have a great book of limericks.
My wife got the flu last week and it ruined all our festive plans with her being sick in bed on her birthday.
Here is the birthday limerick I wrote to cheer her up (and to beg forgiveness for tracking garage grease across the tan carpet).
She loved it!
(Especially when one of her birthday gifts was a fresh can of carpet cleaner)
Oh, and by the way I neglected to mention that the dog peed on the bed comforter, so I drew the artist's rendering at the bottom. Maybe she won't notice?
http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics/usergals/2015/10/full-1359-33425-img_1595a.jpg
earntaz
10-20-2015, 10:24 PM
You could have blamed it all on the dog!! LOL
njsteve
10-21-2015, 02:21 AM
Too late - she found the boot with the tar stain still on it...and I was wearing it at the time...and I was standing at the end of the trail of stains on the carpet...and the dog was outside in the backyard with an alibi.
Sunday school teacher tells the 2nd graders to draw a picture of a favorite bible story. One boy draws an airplane with two cock pits. One guy in the front and three in the back. Teacher keeps walking by, looking, trying to figure out which story this is. Finally asks the boy to explain.
Well, this is the flight from Egypt. Teacher asks about the 3 characters in the back cock pit. That's Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus. Hmmm, and who is this in the front cock pit? That's Pontius, the Pilate.
earntaz
10-21-2015, 12:59 PM
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
anodyne33
11-02-2015, 07:11 PM
More sad than funny, or more funny than sad?
earntaz
11-02-2015, 08:53 PM
Now that IS believable -- if you don't, that just visit some ... not all, of your local tire stores, oil change, or yahwho repair shops. At 70 years young, I sure am glad I have the ability to do the minor MX stuff and not have to depend on these places. TAZ
earntaz
11-07-2015, 05:02 PM
Hot rods, guns and new wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks-up, "Honey, I've just been thinking … now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.”
Tom gets a very concerned look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife," he said, calmly.
"Ex wife?" She screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom smoothly replied, "I wasn't."
earntaz
11-21-2015, 01:35 AM
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined. The governments don't know where to start providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
Great Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless GREAT BRITAIN. Darn those Brits are smart!
67 Nova Boy
11-21-2015, 01:58 AM
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined. The governments don't know where to start providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
Great Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless GREAT BRITAIN. Darn those Brits are smart!
</div></div>
LOL!!!
Dave
67 Nova Boy
427TJ
12-10-2015, 07:55 PM
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on eBay) and put it in the center of the yard.
Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.
earntaz
12-10-2015, 08:51 PM
Damn Bill -- that sounds like a plan! Just as long as Snowdon doesn't ask to rent a room ...
427TJ
12-10-2015, 09:16 PM
Another favorite, possible already posted here.
Once upon a time an airline pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"
The princess said, "No!!!!"
And the airline pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never had to pay child support or alimony and kept his house and cars and guns and ate cold leftover meals potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End.
m22mike
12-11-2015, 12:53 AM
Good one..... <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/beers.gif
Just for the record, apparently you can buy a confederate flag on ebay.
Confederate Flag (http://www.ebay.com/itm/Confederate-Flag-3ftx5ft-NEW-Rebel-Southern-Country-Redneck-Civil-War-Georgia-/221965502920?hash=item33ae2cc9c8:g:bkgAAOSwnipWag5 r)
While I would never fly one, I certainly believe all Americans have the right to.
I could not find one isis flag on ebay. Lots of anti isis flags.
m22mike
12-14-2015, 06:29 PM
When your over 70, and some of us are.. <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/crazy.gif...and some of us are darn close... <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/no.gif\
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT
ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of
cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches. . . but when you are pushing seventy. . . who gives a shit?
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&
Cowboy:
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier:
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy:
"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are pushing (or over) over seventy, who gives a shit
&*&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds,
had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.
" I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was
born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come
on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said,
"Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
earntaz
12-14-2015, 10:28 PM
Mike -- I am also a retired USAF/DoD Aircraft Maintainer, over 70 years old ... and those are damn good ones ... LMAO ... TAZ
Charley Lillard
01-01-2016, 01:48 PM
A husband and wife were Christmas shopping in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and since they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.The wife said "Where are you,you know we have lots to do?" He said "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago....the one where you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you, remember that place? Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied. He said, "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
earntaz
01-01-2016, 03:35 PM
HeHeHe --- good one!
67 Nova Boy
01-04-2016, 02:58 AM
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to
play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best
Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the
large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he
would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and
out, saving his life.
The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)?
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't, Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks".
earntaz
01-04-2016, 12:48 PM
True ...
69 Post Sedan
01-23-2016, 01:02 PM
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING......SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEAR AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT
UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED,
'WHAT DID <span style="font-style: italic">YOU</span> TEACH?"
Postsedan
01-23-2016, 01:12 PM
Kurt,
Good one <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/biggthumpup.gif
Dan
earntaz
01-23-2016, 02:51 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
m22mike
01-23-2016, 05:03 PM
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif </div></div>
Me too <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
SeattleCarGuy
01-25-2016, 11:55 PM
In the spirit of the recent Power Ball lottery frenzy:
A guy comes home and storms in through the door, yelling to his wife: "Pack your bags! Pack your bags! I won the Lottery Jackpot!"
His wife responds, excitedly: "Oh my God! Oh my God! Should I pack for the mountains or for the tropics?"
He responds: "I don't care, just get the hell out!"
bbbentley
01-26-2016, 12:01 PM
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
Canuck
01-26-2016, 05:17 PM
Old Man's Wishful Thinking
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,
'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal
as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped
a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
earntaz
01-26-2016, 06:05 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif Both of them ...
m22mike
02-08-2016, 08:27 PM
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns bright red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart.
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight.'
Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God, I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes!'
Craig_Maiorana
02-08-2016, 08:43 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/biggthumpup.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
earntaz
02-08-2016, 09:08 PM
Mike, Mike, Mike -- don't buy any Armani shoes ... HeHehe -- good one!
67 Nova Boy
02-13-2016, 12:53 PM
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
Dave
67 Nova Boy
mockingbird812
02-13-2016, 01:43 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
earntaz
03-20-2016, 05:01 PM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" And pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
m22mike
03-20-2016, 06:48 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif Good one
markinnaples
03-21-2016, 05:28 PM
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds like an awesome weekend, if you don't know what those two things are.
earntaz
03-21-2016, 06:08 PM
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Jawja and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
earntaz
03-23-2016, 10:06 PM
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So,
I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL McGLYNN'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said,
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
m22mike
03-24-2016, 11:42 AM
A foursome of male golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big
breasts and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had
many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was
excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace,
and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for
lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because
the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the
disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters
because they had never been there before.
Verne_Frantz
03-24-2016, 02:26 PM
I like that one Mike. It reminds me of this one:
An arrogant young golfer walked into the pro shop before starting his game and said he can hit the ball so far, he can't see where it lands so he needs a caddie with the best eyesight possible.
The Pro calls over Eddie and said, "He has the best eyesight of any caddie I've ever seen"
The golfer says, "You've got to be kidding me - he's got to be 80 years old!"
"Actually, he's 85, but believe me, he can spot your ball"
So they start off at the first tee and sure enough, the golfer hits a long ball way out of sight. He says, "OK Eddie, did you see where the ball landed?"
"Yep"
"OK, where is it?"
"I forgot"
m22mike
03-24-2016, 11:04 PM
That could be me Vern, but I don't golf. <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/naughty.gif
earntaz
03-25-2016, 12:44 AM
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Keith Seymore
03-29-2016, 02:41 PM
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
</div></div>
That's a good one.
My dad was from SE Missouri, so he would put "tars" on the car but "tire" on the roadway. Never made sense to me either.
I remember when my son asked me: "Daddy, why does Papaw say 'thank ya'?"
The standard telephone greeting was "Haaar YUUU?!" to which the correct reply was "...Ahm FAAHHNN!"
K
earntaz
04-02-2016, 12:53 PM
A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive."
With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," the captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
earntaz
04-08-2016, 12:37 AM
Who says dads can't think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ...
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
If you aren't laughing ... You aren't living!
Charley Lillard
04-10-2016, 02:18 PM
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability and the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The couple replied, "we've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
The response: "our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "what age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The couple replies, "it doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
marxjunk
04-10-2016, 03:16 PM
best two ive heard in so long..holy crap..my side hurts from laffing so hard..
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
m22mike
04-14-2016, 11:56 AM
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
The person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger
Than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
m22mike
04-14-2016, 11:57 AM
For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.
Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.
"What in bag?"- asked the old man.
Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: -"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: - "Good trade!"
earntaz
04-14-2016, 12:47 PM
HeHe -- good one! <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
earntaz
04-19-2016, 06:59 PM
NEWS FROM MINNESOTA
The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota … but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.
————————————————————————
OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'
————————————
VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400,' said the first Norwegian.
'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'
————————————————————————
THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee.
' Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' he asked.
'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena.
'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.'
————————————————————————
MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.'
'How come?' asked Lars.
'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.'
————————————————————————
THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.
'Who vas dat?' asks Lena.
'I donno, some fool vanting to know if da coast vas clear.’
————————————————————————
HONEYMOON TRIP
On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther dan dat if you vant to'.
So Ole drove to Dulute.
————————————————————————
DA PARTY
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Montevideo, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's, said, 'Ole ... What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.'
'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Dere vas boys and girls.'
'Is that right?' his policeman friend asked.
'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!' 'So vee all go into the bedroom ... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vell, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'
I guess I'm the first one here!'
budnate
04-29-2016, 02:29 PM
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f#@!^%$ fault!!!
earntaz
04-29-2016, 02:41 PM
Isn't that the damn truth ... <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
Craig_Maiorana
04-29-2016, 05:34 PM
That is so on the money
mssl72
04-29-2016, 08:22 PM
WOW!! I need to very delicately send that around the shop!
Charley Lillard
05-06-2016, 01:42 PM
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old.
Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"
Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for about a year."
earntaz
05-06-2016, 02:48 PM
HeHeHe -- dam glad I don't remember that!!!@#$
Charley Lillard
05-08-2016, 01:39 PM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman
and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad
in the newspaper for a ranch hand...
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk.
She thought long and hard
about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching..
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the
ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels." The
hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and
he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around
two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly..
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently
and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with
trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped
it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and
said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired."
Xplantdad
05-08-2016, 02:34 PM
LOL!
earntaz
05-08-2016, 04:30 PM
HeHeHe -- good one!
mssl72
05-08-2016, 05:18 PM
Good one!! Had me wondering where it was going!
earntaz
05-25-2016, 10:24 PM
Politics at work ...
So I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!"
He said "NO!"
I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!!!
He said "OKAY!"
Got in contact with Bill Gates & told him "I want your daughter to marry my son!"
He said "NO!"
Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!
He said "OKAY!"
Went to the President of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the Bank!
He said "NO!"
Told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law!
He said "OKAY!"
*That's Exactly how Politics works....*
Charley Lillard
05-26-2016, 12:13 AM
LOL...Smart guy
Charley Lillard
06-26-2016, 07:23 PM
http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics/usergals/2016/06/full-23-45386-image.png
m22mike
06-26-2016, 08:08 PM
Coffee & Testicles
A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
=
earntaz
06-26-2016, 08:23 PM
As a prior USAF and retired DoD employee -- I have seen this many times ... LOL TAZ <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/flag.gif
mssl72
06-26-2016, 10:58 PM
Nice one Mike!!
And nice Cornholio post Charlie!!
earntaz
07-07-2016, 08:38 PM
Adults Only Please
This may be too hot for some of you, but what the heck . . .
Click here: http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf
Hey! I doubt that she's 17 years old like she claims.
mssl72
07-08-2016, 06:58 AM
Disgusting TAZ! How could you??? I'm udderly appalled!!
Still holds up as one of the funniest scenes ever.
<object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ue0fZfwHfzo"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ue0fZfwHfzo" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object>
markinnaples
07-13-2016, 04:57 PM
Met Ted Vernon in Miami a few weeks ago and he told me a joke:
A mushroom walked into a bar, and the bartender told him, "We don't serve your kind in here."
And the mushroom replied, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
marxjunk
07-13-2016, 05:40 PM
ah..i get it..fungi---fun guy...goot one
markinnaples
07-13-2016, 06:55 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/biggthumpup.gif
marxjunk
07-13-2016, 08:39 PM
im a little dense...maybe slow..and i really had to think on that one..still...funny...goot one
PeteLeathersac
07-13-2016, 08:58 PM
'
Buddy just sent me this one below...
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/beers.gif
~ Pete
-
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her
blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer, panties...and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
-
markinnaples
07-13-2016, 09:13 PM
That's a good one, never saw it coming. <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/biggthumpup.gif
earntaz
07-13-2016, 09:15 PM
OMG!!!
marxjunk
07-13-2016, 10:53 PM
lol....
marxjunk
07-17-2016, 01:27 AM
saw this on another forum..pretty good
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
427TJ
07-26-2016, 05:10 AM
One day a Kindergarten teacher tells her pupils, "Children, in this lesson we are going to use the word beautiful two times in one sentence. Lorrie, can you use the word beautiful two times in one sentence?" "Yes, teacher! My mommy's beautiful flowers made the kitchen more beautiful!" "Very good Lorrie! Okay Bobby, can you use the word beautiful two times in one sentence?" "Yes teacher, I can! My mother's beautiful new dress made her look really beautiful." "Very good Bobby." "Okay Joey, can you use the word beautiful two times in one sentence?" "Yes ma'am, I can. Last night my older sister came home and told my dad she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful! Just fu**ing beautiful!'"
No joke..and made in China.
earntaz
07-26-2016, 03:55 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
earntaz
08-08-2016, 07:43 PM
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”
On a Plumber's truck :
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”
In a Chicago Radiator Shop
"Best place in town to take a leak.”
And the best one for last…
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
earntaz
08-22-2016, 10:26 PM
These are the oldies but goodies fun words we used – sometimes still do!
BORING IF YOU ARE UNDER SIXTY BUT, HUMOROUS IF YOU'RE OVER..
Heavens to Murgatroyd!
Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd? Lost words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really!
The other day a not so elderly (65) (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new) phrase! He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old, but not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry.”
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.
Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehosaphat! Holy moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?
Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; or spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! or, This is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel.
Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper.
Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff!
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.
We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.
See ya later, alligator!
A friend of mine has 2 box seat tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl.Includes airfares and hotel accommodations,but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding,so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him,it's at St.Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m.Look for Brenda in a white dress.
Billohio
08-31-2016, 02:12 AM
Depends if she can cook and has a job and worthless without pictures! <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/dunno.gif
Vern B
09-01-2016, 06:29 PM
WHY WOMEN MAKE BETTER ASSASSINS
The C I A had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the C I A agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.” The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.“
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.
earntaz
09-01-2016, 06:35 PM
HeHe Good one!
marxjunk
09-01-2016, 06:48 PM
awesome....
PeteLeathersac
09-02-2016, 02:43 AM
'
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/beers.gif
~ Pete
-
A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 50 zone?”
Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”
Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”
Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”
Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”
Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will escape!”
The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior!
At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told him to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:
Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”
Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”
Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”
Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”
Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”
Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”
Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”
Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else, was I speeding too?” <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/naughty.gif
-
Charley Lillard
09-10-2016, 01:57 PM
http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics/usergals/2016/09/full-23-48658-image.png
Charley Lillard
09-10-2016, 02:42 PM
I decided to go to the local Pow-Wow at the Muskoday Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about:
I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, But I did have a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:
"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."
Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me.
After prayers I stepped outside.
And WHAT THE HELL-
MY CAR WAS GONE !!!!
PeteLeathersac
09-10-2016, 03:23 PM
'
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man (about 75 years old) on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.
It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.
What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers softly, "Please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
-
69L78
09-10-2016, 08:11 PM
Not really a joke, it is a new advertising campaign for a local plumber.
http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics/usergals/2016/09/full-1402-48681-unnamed.jpg
SeattleCarGuy
09-13-2016, 11:37 PM
Sorry if this is a bit off-color:
Little boy comes home from school and his dad asks him what he learned today.
The boy says they were explaining the difference between theory and reality, but he says he didn't really understand the difference.
The father thinks for a moment and asks his son to go upstairs and ask his older sister if she would have sex with the mailman for half a million dollars.
The boy returns and says that she thought it about it for a moment and then said knowing how much good the money would do the family, she said she would sleep with the mailman for half a million dollars.
The father then asks the boy to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the milkman for half a million dollars.
The boy returns and says that she thought it about it for a moment and then said knowing how much good the money would do the family, she said she would sleep with the milkman for half a million dollars.
The father thinks for a moment and then says to the boy; "well son, the difference between theory and reality goes something like this; In theory, this family is a millionaire family. In reality, your sister and mother are a couple of whores."
Craig_Maiorana
09-13-2016, 11:58 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
marxjunk
09-14-2016, 03:20 AM
oh my god...thats funny right there..i dont care who ya are...
Vern B
09-14-2016, 12:32 PM
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
earntaz
09-14-2016, 01:01 PM
Both good ones ... <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
marxjunk
11-01-2016, 12:24 AM
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears: " Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits his ball 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! A Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog; "OK where to next?"
The frog replies; "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says; "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies; "Ribbit KissMe."
The man figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God--
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
flyingn
11-01-2016, 12:55 AM
HA! Good one!
earntaz
11-01-2016, 01:53 AM
HeHe -- excellent!!
Charley Lillard
11-06-2016, 12:06 PM
https://biggeekdad.com/2016/10/how-russians-carpool/
earntaz
11-06-2016, 12:35 PM
Good thing no one passed any gas ...
Charley Lillard
11-06-2016, 12:42 PM
https://biggeekdad.com/2015/04/how-russians-cross-the-river/
God says to Adam: It is not good for you to be alone. You need a helper, but it's going to cost you.
What would you like?
Adam: Hmmm, how about a beautiful woman with a great attitude. Wakes up every day with a smile on her face ready to go. Loves intimacy (you told me it would be great once I discover it, right?) and can't wait to please me. Works hard, loves to prepare the best meals possible, cleans like you wouldn't believe, and can't wait to hear my next funny story. What would that cost me?
God: Looks like that's going to be an arm and a leg.
Adam:
What can I get for a rib?
markinnaples
11-16-2016, 02:17 PM
Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Charley Lillard
11-25-2016, 05:52 PM
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
tabooo
11-25-2016, 06:00 PM
Charley--- your one of a kind, keep them coming!!!
earntaz
11-25-2016, 06:08 PM
Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charley Lillard
12-02-2016, 02:30 PM
http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics/usergals/2016/12/full-23-53445-image008.jpg
earntaz
12-02-2016, 03:23 PM
OMG!!
mssl72
12-02-2016, 11:49 PM
HA!!! <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
ktcamaro67
12-03-2016, 12:46 AM
http://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics/usergals/2016/12/full-18999-53514-imagejpeg952_02.jpg
Same as inbread dog pic add (p) word
earntaz
12-03-2016, 01:25 AM
The pooch looks like "oh well" and the pussy looks pissed ... check the eyes!! TAZ <<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
Charley Lillard
12-06-2016, 01:06 PM
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
mockingbird812
12-06-2016, 01:16 PM
<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif
marxjunk
12-06-2016, 02:33 PM
lol..thats a good one
earntaz
12-10-2016, 02:12 AM
Donald and Hillary Go Fishing in the Winter ...
How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call?
With an fishing contest in northern Wisconsin in January, of course!
After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary and Donald were deadlocked.
Instead of going through a recount, they agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.
They decided that a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5 pm.
After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.
Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing. That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheating’ son-of-a-bitch.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were going to follow and to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating.
Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!
That night, Hillary and her democratic cohorts got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, “You are not going to believe this. He Is cheating, he's cutting holes in the friggin’ ice!”
And this story ... tells you all you need to know about the difference between a successful businessman and a career government politician.
earntaz
12-22-2016, 08:07 PM
Christmas Stamps ...
A blonde goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterians, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
earntaz
01-06-2017, 02:20 AM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, only William was left.
"William, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am.
My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, And her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with Her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'
'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
Charley Lillard
03-07-2017, 12:23 PM
.........
earntaz
03-07-2017, 12:31 PM
HeHeHe -- good one!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd98r0lkbQo
earntaz
03-09-2017, 04:24 PM
Oh how true that is -- communication is a terrible thing!!!
Vern B
03-10-2017, 11:44 PM
LITTLE BILLY...On Philosophy
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first shot." The
teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucking the cone." To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
mssl72
03-11-2017, 07:16 PM
Good one Vern!!! :haha:
Charley Lillard
03-11-2017, 11:11 PM
Golfer Speaks out:
We had a power outage at our house this morning. My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my Iphone battery was dead.
And to top it off it was raining outside. So I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee. Then I remembered that this also needs power.
So I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person.
rafbody
03-12-2017, 05:30 PM
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
earntaz
03-12-2017, 06:40 PM
Pfizer & Pepsi to Merge
This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future...! The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
marxjunk
03-14-2017, 09:18 PM
i stole this from another site..i couldnt resist
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated,
"You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing
as a heart-warming lawyer story?
Vern B
03-14-2017, 11:11 PM
Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Her pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut crystal bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this."
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it moist, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter!"
earntaz
03-17-2017, 12:40 PM
Depends on Where You Live
You may have heard about the Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning that many guns and 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable".
In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."
In Minnesota & Wisconsin, he'd be called "ALMOST ready for deer season".
In Arizona, he'd be called "An avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "A novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "Moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'go-to' guy."
In Alabama, he'd be called "A likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "An eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Tennessee, Kentucky and South
Carolina he would be called "A deer hunting buddy."
In Oklahoma he'd be called "normal."
And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo"...
m22mike
03-18-2017, 01:16 PM
"Extra large snack sack" :hmmm:
bbbentley
03-18-2017, 02:07 PM
"Extra large snack sack" :hmmm:
Couldn't help thinking about a few commercials by this clothier that get a chuckle in our household
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4u3CoWjWzNA
Lee Stewart
03-18-2017, 08:20 PM
http://s26.postimg.org/47ns2pmqx/jhg.jpg (http://postimage.org/)
earntaz
03-29-2017, 02:32 PM
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Charley Lillard
03-30-2017, 01:27 PM
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man...air passengers, in this case!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "if anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners still available!"
earntaz
03-30-2017, 04:03 PM
Ya' have to admire the Irish ...:worship:
Charley Lillard
03-31-2017, 01:11 AM
Subject: HIGH SCHOOL REUNION
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
earntaz
03-31-2017, 02:22 AM
Ouch!!@#$
Guy buys a nice new car for his wife's birthday.
Filling it up at the gas station on the way home.
Fellow at the next pump says: "nice car"
First guy says: "Thanks. I got if for my wife."
Second guy: "Nice trade!"
Charley Lillard
04-01-2017, 07:46 PM
.....
L78M22Rag
04-02-2017, 06:38 AM
http://i247.photobucket.com/albums/gg155/helmuteckert/IMG_7496_zps2grxjjmm.png (http://s247.photobucket.com/user/helmuteckert/media/IMG_7496_zps2grxjjmm.png.html)
markinnaples
04-03-2017, 08:31 PM
Mushroom walks into a bar, bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
Mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
Xplantdad
04-03-2017, 08:56 PM
Charley-Are you holding out on us?
Picture taken up in Wickenburg on our trip to SoCal.....:CharleySucks:
mssl72
04-04-2017, 05:26 AM
He didn't want anybody to know, but that's really his Southern garage! :grin:
Lee Stewart
04-04-2017, 07:29 AM
http://s26.postimg.org/hdu2r1gmh/aws.jpg (http://postimage.org/)
Xplantdad
04-04-2017, 08:12 PM
he didn't want anybody to know, but that's really his southern garage! :grin:
lol!
cook_dw
04-04-2017, 08:19 PM
Elements of humor.
Xplantdad
04-04-2017, 08:22 PM
Darrell! :)
earntaz
04-05-2017, 04:32 PM
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable! :no:
anodyne33
04-05-2017, 07:20 PM
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks if he needs a hand with his bags. The photon says "No thanks. I'm traveling light".
KM265S
04-06-2017, 04:00 AM
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."
earntaz
04-08-2017, 03:14 PM
An Easter Tale…..
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
It says,
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!! :haha:
Ghandi was quite the mystic figure even though he was a frail little man, who often fasted, ate odd things, walked around barefoot.
Huge callouses on his feet. Odd diet gave him horrible bad breath.
Guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic cursed with halitosis.
Ryan1969Chevelle
04-08-2017, 07:04 PM
Ghandi was quite the mystic figure even though he was a frail little man, who often fasted, ate odd things, walked around barefoot.
Huge callouses on his feet. Odd diet gave him horrible bad breath.
Guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic cursed with halitosis.
Say it a little quicker:-)
Vern B
04-09-2017, 12:31 PM
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Say it a little quicker:-)
Ryan gets it.
One more.
Bob and Frank are two very senior citezens in the old folks home.
One day they are walking by Myrtle's room, and there is Myrtle standing there in her birthday suit.
Bob: What was Myrtle wearing?
Frank: I don't know, but it sure needed ironing.
Lee Stewart
04-09-2017, 02:43 PM
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Lee Stewart
04-09-2017, 02:49 PM
http://s26.postimg.org/cq1jnkfop/Funny_joke_pictures_for_adult_vegetables.jpg (http://postimage.org/)
Lee Stewart
04-09-2017, 02:49 PM
http://s26.postimg.org/dtqpwn6nd/Banana_peels_funny_adult_Joke_funny_picture_1024.j pg (http://postimage.org/)
earntaz
04-09-2017, 07:49 PM
This event, in the everyday life of a senior citizen, should alert you guys to the importance of following directions...
Understanding Directions
Some times Seniors don't Understand Directions.
I assume we are all Seniors. This is why you (a Senior?) should listen to your Doctors instructions.
I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me? Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore, anyway!
Lee Stewart
04-10-2017, 03:58 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? 'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'
67 Nova Boy
04-11-2017, 09:52 PM
Married Irishman
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped...'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
_____________________
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
_____________________________________
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
---------------------------------------------------------
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone, 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It 'tis!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will!'
__________________
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years-old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years-old .. . . . Hell, I'm telling everybody!'
___________________________
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years-old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
______________________________
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
______________________________
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home early.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked .
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Why, those little bastards!'
_____________________
Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: 'Nothing.'
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no!'
------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl:- 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son to Mum
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well son, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________
Newly Married
A newly married man asked his new bride, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
----------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
___________________________
Husbands Are Husbands
A man was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife hit him up side of the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?!' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name 'Jenny' on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she'd done it again.
The wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'
___________________
Let us pray an Irish prayer....
'Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life.'
earntaz
04-13-2017, 10:45 PM
Bet you didn’t know this..? Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling
chips? This may come as a surprise to those of you not
living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches
than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services
will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is
passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos,
the churches have devised a method to collect the
offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a
nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips
are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed
in. This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming did you? :shocked:
Lee Stewart
04-13-2017, 11:57 PM
http://s26.postimg.org/ak9i6b0ix/vgt.gif (http://postimage.org/)
Lee Stewart
04-16-2017, 12:47 AM
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again,'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
m22mike
04-16-2017, 04:09 PM
Easter humor :rolleyes2:
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bimbos sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
Woman sitting on a bus with her baby in her arms when a drunk sits down next to her and says: "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
After seeing how upset the woman gets, he stumbles to another seat.
A few minutes later, another guy sits next to the lady and baby and noticing the lady seems upset, he asks why ?
The lady says " That drunk just insulted me and I fell like slapping him."
The guy says, "Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you"
Lee Stewart
04-16-2017, 08:24 PM
http://s26.postimg.org/refo26esp/20170416_104703.jpg (http://postimage.org/)
Lee Stewart
04-17-2017, 03:46 AM
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
earntaz
04-17-2017, 02:35 PM
Haaa -- good one!
Chick_Maggot
04-18-2017, 07:53 AM
Your momma is so fat that when she jumps for joy she gets stuck.
earntaz
04-18-2017, 08:23 PM
Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the WorkingClass.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
:beers:
Charley Lillard
04-20-2017, 02:22 PM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!'
Lee Stewart
04-21-2017, 05:12 PM
Some years ago, executives at a Houston airport faced a troubling customer-relations issue. Passengers were lodging an inordinate number of complaints about the long waits at baggage claim. In response, the executives increased the number of baggage handlers working that shift. The plan worked: the average wait fell to eight minutes, well within industry benchmarks. But the complaints persisted.
Puzzled, the airport executives undertook a more careful, on-site analysis. They found that it took passengers a minute to walk from their arrival gates to baggage claim and seven more minutes to get their bags. Roughly 88 percent of their time, in other words, was spent standing around waiting for their bags.
So the airport decided on a new approach: instead of reducing wait times, it moved the arrival gates away from the main terminal and routed bags to the outermost carousel. Passengers now had to walk six times longer to get their bags. Complaints dropped to near zero.
Dave Rifkin
04-22-2017, 12:05 PM
That's not a joke, that's reality.
earntaz
04-22-2017, 01:09 PM
She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she laboured away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now!
Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town,"
earntaz
04-23-2017, 05:20 PM
When Grandma Goes To Court… Look Out!
Lawyers should never ask a Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand… a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, when you haven’t got the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state… not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said… “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
KM265S
04-24-2017, 12:32 PM
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry
bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"
(you'll love this…)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi,
Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and All of Washington DC …
Charley Lillard
04-24-2017, 01:44 PM
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Dennis,
"That'll be us in ten years."
He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror"
parkbrau
04-24-2017, 03:25 PM
They say diarrhea is hereditary! Yep, it runs in your jeans.
Lee Stewart
04-24-2017, 08:39 PM
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since
earntaz
04-25-2017, 09:38 PM
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty, blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the$95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?"
replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Birthday."
Once again.... don't mess with seniors.!
Keith Seymore
04-27-2017, 02:06 PM
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty, blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the$95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?"
replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Birthday."
Once again.... don't mess with seniors.!
In other news: I've read that Warren Buffett sends his daughter to purchase all his Cadillacs.
K
Lee Stewart
04-27-2017, 11:33 PM
http://s26.postimg.org/mjxkc01ux/xc69.jpg (http://postimage.org/)
earntaz
04-30-2017, 06:46 PM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.' :hmmm:
Lee Stewart
04-30-2017, 07:35 PM
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello?"
Lee Stewart
05-03-2017, 04:48 AM
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
earntaz
05-03-2017, 02:38 PM
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift… When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that's how the fight started…
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?” She answered, “No." I then said, "Is that your final answer?” She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes…” So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.”
And that's when the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?” "Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that's when the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?” "Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.” "My God!" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer … always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?” I said, "Dust.”
And that's then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started…
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
And that’s when the fight started…
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible … I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And that’s when the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning … the start of a REALLY BAD DAY! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF. He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!” So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
And that's when the fight started… :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :beers:
earntaz
05-09-2017, 04:43 PM
Old is just a feeling...
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore...
Lee Stewart
05-11-2017, 10:00 PM
The True story of Pierre and how he gained his notority.
Pierre has declared "I have created a statue of the Lady Madonna that rivals the Michael Angelo's Pieta"
do the call me "Pierre the Sculpture" .......NO!
He went on to declare I have painted a woman's face that shames the Mona Lisa,
Do they proclaims me 'Pierre the Artiste'......NO!
I have invented things that would baffle the mind of DaVinci,
do they praise me "Great Architect".......NO!
But, suck one Coc*, and forever they will call out ......
"There goes Pierre the Coc*sucker" !!
Lee Stewart
05-11-2017, 10:05 PM
One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here’s something I have that you'll never have."
The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.
A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, "My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
Lee Stewart
05-21-2017, 10:42 PM
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?
''Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!
''Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster Mother , 540-yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'For Christ's sake you didn't miss the friggin putt, did you?'
Lee Stewart
05-21-2017, 10:44 PM
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